(Warning: this blog, unlike my others, is NOT a theory - more of an opinion piece. For all those angered by this sudden change of blog, you may proceed to throw tomatoes at your screens in 3... 2... 1...)
My beloved friend Gilly mentioned this question to me the other day and a whirl pool of thoughts entered my head... I couldn't help but post a blog about it!
The question is:
Ladies and Gents, answer me this - who is the SCARIEST disney character ever to grace the screens?
Thats right - who is the most frightening, most evil, most coniving, most 'AHH! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME' cartoon character to scare the living poop out of us? Who is the villain most worthy to hold the title? Who can inspire such fear in our childhood selves so much so, that it inspires such blogs? Which cartoon villain puts the boogeyman to shame and makes one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eaters look like the freaking toothfairy?
After days and days of tedious debating, frustrated conversations with myself and agonizing hair-pulling effort, i have compiled a list.
Thats right. Below for your viewing pleasure, is my own list - from most pathetic to *shields eyes from scariness*. If i've left any villains out, I apologize in advance - I've just got a top 12 thing going on and I skipped others because I can barely remember them. I know MANY will disagree but hey, everyones scared of different things. When i was younger, i was petrified, absolutely terrified of the cookie monster. He was in each and every one of my nightmares. If the blue bugger came on tv, i used to jump behind the couch - quivering in fear that he may pop out of the tv and eat my prized double choc chip cookies. And now look at me!! (Last year, i was the mascot for my house colour - Loreto which was blue. They chose none other than the cookie fiend as their mascot... and someone had to wear the costume so I wore the sweat infested thing for a year... And yes, that is indeed me in the photo above...)
Enough of embarrassing childhood situations, contestant number 12, common down!!!
12. CAPTAIN HOOK
(Peter Pan)
Captain Hook. I deem you most pathetic villain EVER. Which shames me to say because one of my favourite movies is 'Hook' with the wonderful Dustin Hoffman and Robbin Williams. "Bangarang" is still used in my vocabulary to this date. Before my sister Giulia goes to bed, she yells out 'GOODNIGHT NEVERLAND!' in respect of the film...
It's funny because I asked my Mum who she thought was the worst villain ever, and she said none other than the one-handed pirate. When I asked her why, this is the conversation I had.
Vic: Hook? He's pathetic! Why is he the worst?
Mum: Well... he was afraid of clocks...
Vic: *quizzical eyebrow movement*
Mum: Which makes him pretty scary. I mean, who is afraid of clocks? He's got to have some major psychological issues going on there... and that makes him scary...
Vic: ...
Sorry to say it Mum, but I disagree COMPLETELY! I mean, in a way, he is too...comedic to be considered 'shit in your pants' scary. He is also a villain that can be understood. Think about it - he's pissed off at Peter for cutting off his bloody hand and feeding it to a freaking crocodile. To tell you truthfully, I would hold a tiny grudge over the mishap too!! Plus, it's hardly a fair fight. I mean, imp boy can fly whereas Hook man is bound to two feet.
Sorry Hook. The french moustache thing going on sealed the deal for me...
11. LADY TREMAINE
(Aka, the evil stepmother of Cinderella)
(possible theory: why don't you ever see 'evil mothers' in Disney films? Why do they always have to be 'step-mothers'? Actually, where are all the disney mothers? They are either dead or not present for some weird reason or another)She is the stereotypical eat-your-heart-out evil stepmother. With an icy smile, she can silence even the most determined of minds. She is like the evil mother-in-law that we hope never to have - the evil maths teacher who makes us feel stupid when we get an algebra question wrong! THE TEXTILES TEACHER WHO MAKES FUN OF US FOR BREAKING 3 SEWING MACHINE NEEDLES IN A ROW!!! (And yes, I speak from experience - in self defense, I still say that the sewing machine I worked on was secretly cursed long long ago). I can't say she's the scariest though - She never lays a finger on little Cindie, preferring psychological torment instead... I guess it's probably easier on the nails or something...
10. GASTON
(Beauty and the Beast)
The song stated it well - Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny, and ev'ry last inch of him's covered with hair...
*suggestive eyebrow movement*
The chissel-abbed, fabio-like exterior of a man has engraved a special place in the worst villains list. After all, no one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston... He is also a perfect example of moobs (man boobs) - as noted on the pic above...
But he makes the transformation of an egotistical, desperate-for-some-loving, man into quite a frightening villain. In year 11, I was watching the school's Beauty and the Beast musical. Even with my good friends by my side, I was STILL freaked out by 'The Mob song' where they sing 'KILL THE BEAST!!' - it scares the life out of me to this day... LEAVE THE BEAST ALONE YOU STUNNING SPECIMEN OF A MAN! HE DID NOTHING TO YOU!!!!
9. HADES
(Hercules)
Lets face it. Hades is the 'Jan' to Zeus's 'Marsha'. He may appear angsty at first in the film, exclaiming 'MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA!' at all the things that are unfair in his life but common, the flame haired cartoon character, when he's not trying to be a comedian, can be quite scary. He explodes into anger almost as much as Jonathan Rhys Meyers does when playing King Henry. And common, being God of the underworld adds to the freakyness just a tad... Plus, not to mention, the flame hair thing he has going on...
8. JAFAR(Aladdin)
The goatee does it. Common, it's all in the goatee! Jafar is perhaps the most stylish of all villains, wearing stylish red flowing robes that could only look fabulous with his figure... His fair cunning with his hypnotizing staff thingy... I'd love to get my hands on one of those things... But anyway, Jafar, well, you've got to say he's pretty mean, with the whole 'trying-to-kill- the-sultan-and-jasmine-and-Aladdin' thing, as well as the whole 'turn-into-a-huge-snake-and-then-a-ginornous-genie' thing at the end of the film. For some reason though, I've never found him all too scary... It's probably the flowing robes...
7. CRUELLA DE VIL
(101 Dalmations)
To make a long story short, any person who would want to kill one hundred and one dalmations to make into a coat should be on this list. I mean, common! Leave the dogs alone!! Move onto something else - it's CLEARLY not working for you!! Still, you got
to hand it to Cruel- ella. She has determination...
6. URSULA
(The Little Mermaid)
Okay, what is Ursula? I brought the dvd the other day and that's EXACTLY what I thought to myself. First I said 'clearly she is a mermaid chick who has just got a bad case of UV sunburn' then, I saw tentacles sprout out from her arse and I'm like 'whoah, hold on a second!' I think she is the love child of an octopus and a seal or something, I'm not sure. Whatever she is, she's big, she's bootilicious and she's purple. What more could you want? She scared the daylights out of me when she stole Ariel's voice and still, at the age of 18, I found myself screaming at the TV saying 'NO ARIEL! DON'T DO IT!!!! YOU CAN"T TRUST THAT ASS!'
5. THE QUEEN
(Snow White and the Seven Dwarves)
I don't remember much of Snow White. All I seem to remember is that 'Hi HOOOOOOO' song and when the witch turns into a hag in order to sell an apple to snow white... You'd think in order to make the apple more appealing, you would turn into someone more attractive. I mean, who wants to try an apple from a warty old lady? Then again, the people I buy my groceries from aren't exactly models in the making... What it comes down to is that this chick is so concerned about her own vanity, that she is willing to kill people off just so that she can be the 'most beautiful of them all'. Perhaps a little extreme, wouldn't you say?
4. MALEFICENT
(Sleeping Beauty)
Like Shan-yu from Mulan, this chick also has the freaky bird thing going on... Which always seems to remind me of the Wizard of Oz when that witch says 'FLY MY PRETTIES!!!!! FLY!!!!!' but whatever... A lot of people may see this chick as the scariest one alive, but honestly, I hated the movie 'Sleeping Beauty' so much, that every time I watch it, I end up going to sleep. True, she does make it interesting though. It's Aurora that pisses me off. She sees this random guy for like 5 minutes and then, when told she can't see him by those three fairies, says "BUT I LOVE HIM!!!!!" *wails as runs into room melodramatically* ohh pah-leez! Maleficent is definitely interesting though - her laugh is chilling to say the least. Plus, she goes on a murderous rampage just because she wasn't invited to a party... I mean, imagine what she'd do if you called her a skank or something??? Oh, HELL NO!! *clicks fingers*
3. SCAR(The Lion King)
Okay, Scar was the ONE villain from disney I was absolutely terrified by in my youth, and I was going to put him as number 1 but then reconsidered... He's fair evil though. I mean, think about it. He looks into the eyes of his own brother when he kills him and all without a qualm. If that wasn't enough, he deprives a poor lion cub of a father and home. Common, don't tell me that when Mufasa died and Simba came to try and 'wake him up' - that you didn't shed a tear! I mean, my media class at school watched it a couple o' years ago and even THEN you could hear the faint sobs echoing throughout the classroom... What was even more surprising was the startling 'ooh Simba turned hot' when he did a ' backwards benjamin button' as he walked across that log with Timone and Pumba... I tried to remind them all that not only was he a cartoon, but a lion cartoon at that but to no avail... It was the mane that did it for them I think...
2. SHAN-YU
(Mulan)
I do a lot of research when it comes to my blogs. So for this one in particular, I got out my disney dvds and sat on this very chair and did my work as any blogger would do. Very arduous work at that - watching disney movie after disney movie. *que sarcasm here* Mulan was the one that still blew me away. Shan yu is definitely one scary mo fo. I mean, not only has he got the whole uni-brow thing going on, but that hawk he has? Freaky. And in one part of the film when he finds a little doll, it is insinuated that he kills a little girl!!! WHO KILLS LITTLE GIRLS!!!! Not even SCAR reduced himself to that low!
Therefore, i dub thee, Shan-yu, a bastard.
And now, numero uno!
*drumroll*
...
....
1. JUDGE CLAUDE FROLLO
(The Hunchback Of Notre Dame)
I saw this movie again today and even at the mere age of 18, was STILL freaked out by this guy! He has these moments when his eyeballs dilate and all this flame and redness just appears in the background randomly... This man is scary. If you watch the film again, there are all these subtleties too. Like when he captures Esmerelda, he smells her hair and she's all 'what are you doing' and he goes '...I was just thinking of seeing a rope around that beautiful neck' and then he feels her up a bit and Esmarela goes 'I know what you were thinking about!!' He is willing to kill towns of people without any hesitation. He sets a house on fire, more than willing to see the people inside burn... which sends shivers down my spine... And he's just a crap guy, alright!!!
Plus, NO ONE CALLS QUASIMODO A MONSTER WHILE I'M AROUND!!!!
Don't worry Quasi, Esmerelda may have ditched you, but I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! *hugs tv screen*
So tell me if you guys agree with me or not. Who is YOUR worst evil villain to grace the screens of disney? Is it one I've mentioned? Or one I've forgotten about? Please let me know!
If you read all of the above, you are extremely cool and awesome - for if there is a illness for writing too much, I believe I may have it. I'm being diagnosed for it and everything, I swear.
Until we meet again,
The Enigma
