InconcIEvable!

My friends! Lend my your ears!!!

*Blogspot audience throws numerous prosthetic ears at computer screen*

A terrible, terrible tragedy has come to my attention in the past 10 minutes. This tragedy is so inconceivable, NAY! So incredulous! That it will send all you money hungry Macquarie dictionary lovers running in the opposite direction! Believe me, after you read of this, you will send glares of annoyance at your Microsoft Word pages when that ever-irksome red spelling-mistake line appears on your screen!

This is 'not' one of my silly little theories, but an actual fact! A fact PROVED by the good people of wikipedia (and that means its GOT to be true, right?)!

For you see, this theory stems behind the notion of grammar songs.

Ever heard of ye ol' tune - 'i before e except after c'?

It is a song that has been hummed throughout many a primary school and has been passed on by teachers around the world who remained ignorant to its flaw. Yes, we were told by many an idle teachers to use it as a rule to life.

Well the song SPEAKS LIES my friends! In our childishness and youth, we were reckless enough to believe it!

Think about it.

*waits*

....Can't be bothered thinking?

WELL FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS MY FRIENDS!!!

(warning the following may cause shock and perhaps horror in the hearts of those younger than the age of 13. Parental guidance is recommended.)

BEHOLD! THE DREADED WORDS THAT DISPROVE THE SONG OF OUR GRADE ONE HEARTS!!!

beige, conscience, deity, dreidel, eight, either, feign, feisty, foreign, forfeit, height, heinous (tee hee!), heir, heist, neigh, neighbour, neither, prescient, science, seize, society, sovereign, veil, vein, weight, weir, weird

And there are PLENTY more my fellow blogspotarians, I assure you. I just didn't want to overload your computer screens with too much terror...

I don't know what else to say... Except that Noah Webster is probably rolling in his grave right about now *shakes head solemly*

So spread the word!

'i' before 'e' DOES NOT ALWAYS come after c!!!

C SHALL BE LEFT ALONE WITH THE OTHER REJECTED LETTERS!!!!

Signed,

Th_ _n_gma

Because no blog is complete without at least ONE post on time travel

After about 4 months of invisible posts from me, I bet your wondering “she must have some sort of excuse - some sort of anecdote to explain her nonexistence.” Perhaps you were wondering “maybe she had some rare and unique life-threatening disease that prohibits her to post?” or “perhaps her fingers have fallen off due to a freak-gasoline fight accident, making typing an arduous chore?”

After a bout 15 minutes of dubious chin scratching and hard-hitting pondering, I have come up with an exceedingly plausible excuse. Something so brilliant, so awe inspiring that it is sure to invoke pity in the pityless:

Writing block coma.

Yep. Writing block coma. The one disease that keeps JK Rowling herself up late at night. The one and only illness that scares the wits out of Stephen King (which has got to mean something).

But fret not! I have recovered! And to further emphasize my sorryness, I’m releasing what I believe to be my most powerful theory yet. A theory I have concocted for over a year and a half now. A theory so powerful, yet so confusing that I have discussed it with people who do Science degrees at Melbourne University and not even THEY have answers for it!

Now if I start talking about incredibly confusing science mumbo jumbo, bare with me.

Hold onto your braincells blogspotarians, for this one is a doosey!

Okay. Suppose you travel back in time, right? I don’t know how you would come across such a scientific phenomenon. Perhaps you accidentally walked into a wormhole that has surreptitiously appeared in your bedroom. Perhaps you woke up one day and found a big metal machine in your room and you decided to do a ‘Donnie Darko’ and jump right in. Take your pick.

Irregardless, you end up walking out of your time machine or wormhole into the year 1860. You know it is 1860 because before opening your eyes to such an ancient world, some misguided, young scalliwag who's doing a papermill ends up hitting your face with todays newspaper (dated 4th of December, 1860). Annoyed and frustrated, you end up chasing the paper boy. But although this paper boy SEEMS misguided and innocent, he really isn’t. In fact, he turns his bike around and starts throwing knives and sharp newspapers into your general direction. Now in fear and self defense, you end up killing this paper boy. Either his sharp newspapers were pissing you off THAT much, it was pure accident or you’re just born a cold-blooded murderer. Take your pick.

ANYWAY! Later, you end up discovering that the boy you have just killed was your great great great great (not sure how many ‘greats’ to insert here but you get my drift) grandfather. The question is this my fellow blogspotarians: would this be possible?

Considering that you have just killed a descendent of yours who (considering his youth) had not met your great great great great grandmother yet and considering they had not... urmm... How do I say this in a pg rated blog... ‘Windex the windows’ if you will, your family would not have been existing and henceforth, YOU shouldn’t be existing.

So what happens: as soon as you kill the paperboy, do you just vanish into thin air because you’re not meant to exist? Or not? Because how did your great great great great grandfather die then? Your future form killed her.

And how did you travel back in time in the first place if this actually happened?

If your brains have now turned into a big thick sludge of confusion, then the aim of this blog is complete. May you live peacefully and prosper.

The Enigma.

I have failed

My friends.

My fellow blogspotarians.

I have failed you.

My bid- nay, my conquest to eradicate the world from parodying the classic literary novels of our time has been thwarted. All my efforts have thus been futile. My hopes and dreams of demoting 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies' have been all for nothing.

...

Okay, fine, I admit, I didn't do much to eradicate the world of satire and parody. I admit to my laziness and my lack of motivation in the matter. But hey! Where else is a Melbournian teen meant to start from if it isn't in the confines of blogspot?

Regardless of my blog however, the parodies march onward. THE SATIRE PREVAILS AND MOCKS US! Literary spinoffs are at an all time high and are advancing at a gargantuan rate. MORE of these parodies are hitting the shelves and, worse than that, are being made into films. If seeing it on paper isn't enough, they're hitting the big screen for all the world to see!

Yes, that's right folks - If zombies weren't enough, let me introduce you all into the world of sea monsters.

I give to you, the latest trailer of the one, the only:

Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jZVE5uF24Q

Shockfusion over 19th century zombies

I'm... I'm looking for the right word to describe what I'm feeling at the moment...

Shock? Well, a little bit, but not so much... Maybe confusion? Shockfusion? I'm not quite sure.

This shockfusion resides over the image of Elizabeth Bennet roundhouse kicking a zombie in the head.

Okay, okay, maybe it's best to start from the beginning:

The other week or so I was with a friend of mine at Doncaster, going through Borders. Now I have a love-hate relationship with Borders. I love it for its wide range of literature... I hate it for the many store staff politely telling me off for reading books I have not yet bought. The love outweighs the hate however and soon, I was dragging my friend to the fantasy section and shoving books for him to read into his (perhaps frightened) hands.

So we're in the fantasy section, laughing at the fact that Edward Cullen now comes in doll form with sunglasses (I earned a few hard glares from the many girls who were swooning over his autobiography) when all of a sudden, something catches my eye...

What pray tell, captures my gaze?

This.

Yep. You read right.

If the struggle between social expectations wasn't enough, Elizabeth Bennet must now struggle against a horde of zombies raiding Hertfordshire. She's not alone though. She has her zombie fighting musket-armed sisters (who, apparently, are trained in martial arts) and a cadre of ninjas to join the onslaught.

I was befuddled, nay - dumbfounded even. I turned to my friend Francis, holding up the novel and reading over the blog.

Me: ...What!

Francis: What?

Me: What would Jane Austen think of this?

Francis: ...?

Me: Seriously. If Jane Austen just came back to life and thought to herself 'I want to read some modern literature just to see how literature has evolved through my passing' and walks into a bookstore and sees this - what would she think?

Francis: Well I s'pose that would make her a zombie then, wouldn't it?

I just... I don't know what to think! What would Jane think? What would YOU feel if you were an author and your novel was parodied in such a way? Isn't this copyright? When I opened the novel, it literally has huge chunks of writing from Austin, with a few intercepting zombie paragraphs here and there.

Perhaps its my zombie-related prejudice that has unsettled me (I have always thought that zombie-related killing would [in a hypothetical world] be impossible. I mean, they are dead already - how do you kill something that can't die?). Perhaps I just can't handle the image of Darcy holding a katana sword against a zombies head whilst trying to win over Elizabeth. Perhaps I should just accept parodies for what they are. Because if this bestseller says something, it is that classic literature might change in the future...

Who knows what the next installment will be. The Bronte sisters might have their novels turned into 'Wuthering Heights and Withering Bodies' or 'Jane Eyre and the Vampire Lair'. 'Great Expectations' might be remade into 'Great Exterminations' - the possibilities are endless. I just hope that people don't begin to forget about the classics from where these parodies derived from.

I love you LOTR, but where is the middle-earth love?

MEN OF GONDOR, CHILDREN AND WOMEN OF ROHAN, EVEN YOU ORKS IN MORDOR - SHAME ON YOU ALL!!

For you have all stood quiet for far too long!

For those who have read the first line of this blog and have expressed raised eyebrows of confusion, fret not. Remove your quizzical and puzzled expressions! This blog post is, like my last, in regards to a film. But lets put down our disney videos for a moment and turn away from our dusty VHS. Lets instead focus our attention on another fantastic movie:

Lord of the Rings.

For a total of nine hours and 30 minutes, I have sat at this chair and I have brought out all three dvds to watch Peter Jackson's marvel play out before my eyes. Yes, for a total of 558 minutes, I have watch Frodo and Sam undertake their rather 'intimate' journey to Mordor. For a whopping 33480 seconds, I have admired Orlando Blooms long feminine hair from afar and for a total of 33480000 milliseconds, I thought to myself of how I would one day like to learn a really crude phrase in Elvish and never tell anyone what it meant when I said it.

I love this movie dearly, it remains to this day as one of my favourites. But there is one thing, just one little thing that unsettles me when I turn to "Return of the King" - the last of the trilogy.

Over and over again, I keep hearing how much

everyone is worried about Frodo. Okay, fair enough. After all, he IS undertaking a selfless journey in order to rid the world of an evil tyranny and he IS placing his life at risk by being around Orks and miraculously escapes the man-pig-bear race at their every turn. I

understand that and I give you kudos Frodo.

But, all this concern for Frodo - it's not right!!

Why is this my fellow blogspotarians?

BECAUSE THIS CONCERN IS NEVER (And I really do mean 'never') DIRECTED TOWARDS THE HOBBIT WHO IS ARGUABLY, DOING MORE THAN FRODO!

SAMWISE GAMGEE!!!

The Black-Eyed Peas stated it well: "Where is the love?"

I mean, okay. It's totally fine to worry about Frodo. But have you ever raised that quizzical eyebrow of yours when they never really mention anything in regards to Sam? It's always 'Frodo Frodo Frodo'!!

But don't just trust my word for it. ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE EVIDENCE!! FEAST YOUR EYES ON THESE QUOTES!

As you can see, I took the liberty of highlighting and enlarging the name 'Frodo'.

Aragorn: We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.
Gandalf: Do we know that?
Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?

Gandalf: That Frodo is alive. Yes. Yes, he's alive.

Gandalf: Because 10,000 Orcs now stand between Frodo and Mount Doom. I've sent him to his death.
Aragorn: No. There is still hope for Frodo. He needs time... and safe passage across the plains of Gorgoroth. We can give him that.
Gimli: How?
Aragorn: Draw out Sauron's armies. Empty his lands. Then we gather our full strength and march on the Black Gate.
Eomer: We cannot achieve victory through strength of arms.
Aragorn: Not for ourselves. But we can give Frodo his chance if we keep Sauron's Eye fixed upon us. Keep him blind to all else that moves

Merry: [triumphantly, as Barad-Dur crumbles] Frodo! Frodo!

Aragorn: For Frodo

Gandalf: Frodo has passed beyond my sight. The darkness is deepening.

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO SAM!!!

Its not like they are unaware that Sam is with him:

Gandalf: Faramir? This is not the first halfing to have crossed your path.
Faramir: No.
Pippin: You've seen Frodo and Sam?
Gandalf: Where? When?

I mean, I feel sorry for the bloody hobbit! Think about it, Sam has to put up with a dark, angst-ridden companion who has, on at least one occasion, attempted to kill him (at the end of movie 2 when Frodo holds a sword to his throat) Plus I mean, Frodo's hardly easy to put up with. He keeps bloody falling into lakes or, in battle, is too afraid to even draw his sword. Sam does all the fighting for him! Even when it comes down to that bloody spider!

Sam protects him from physical, mental and emotional harm (Gollum being a part of this) only to be snubbed and told to go home. And before the hardcore LOTR fans scream to me "YOU SHALL NOT PASS MY BERATING AND INSULTING OF YOU!!!" let me reiterate that I am only referring to the film and not the novels. I know for a fact that Frodo is much more couragious in the novels as opposed to the films. But I suppose I go off in a tangent. It's not about whether which hobbit does more. Its the fact that NO ONE WORRIES ABOUT SAM!!

I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT FACE!! HOW COULD YOU NOT??

And (to venture on a completely different note) another thing that gets my blood boiling - at the conclusion of the last film, why does Aragorn say "My friends... you bow to no one" to Pippin? I can understand why he'd bow to Sam, Frodo and Merry (for helping stab the witch king) but... Why Pippin? I mean, honestly, what did he do? Sure he saved Faramir's life... but I'm pretty sure a lot of warriors saved lives! Like Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli... Even Eowyn for instance! She killed the bloody witch king! She's probably wondering, "well... where's MY bloody bow?"

It was like earlier this week. My sister and I were (unwillingly) watching this ABC television show. We all know the ones - the ones with two over-enthusiastic helium-induced television hosts. The kind who say "whoopsidoops" when they fall over (and yes, that was a direct quote). The two television hosts were giving a trophy to a little girl who 'went to the toilet ALL BY HERSELF!!' *le gasp*

My sister and I stared at each other for a moment.

"Well, wheres my bloody trophy?" was my immediate response.

Now don't get me wrong- I'm sure Samwize the Brave can go to the bathroom all by himself too, but doesn't he deserve... well, not a trophy per say, but AT LEAST people worrying about him?

Tell me what you think about this. I haven't seen the extended edition of the films so perhaps there is something I've missed... Is their any sense to my argument or should it all be flushed down the toilet?

On that same note, I think i'll write to the good people of ABC and demand them for my toilet trophy...

x

Disney promoting illiteracy?

Ladies and gentleman, I have come to a shocking discovery. A discovery so disturbing, so startling, so downright rude, that it will make the most avid Disney fans shake their heads in disapproval!

DISNEY MAY BE PROMOTING ILLITERACY!

Yes you heard right. 

I know, I can't believe it either.

Let me explain:

Beauty and the Beast is a film that I hold close to my heart - it is a film that says 'it doesn't matter what you look like as long as the person you like has a mansion and a huge library.' Seriously - Belle is the only one of the disney princesses that doesn't fondle over the first guy she sees - instead, having a little 'something something' for bestiality... Hey, to each to their own, right? I mean, if Daniel Radcliffe can do Equus, why can't Belle be with the Beast?

Anyway, I love this movie - so imagine my surprise when I discover that Disney mocks the protagonist for reading?

Let me explain:

At the start of the movie, you'll remember a song called 'Belle's song'.

Basically, its all about Belle complaining about living in a provincial town... So to escape from it all, she reads books. The first one we notice her reading is 'Jack and the Beanstalk' (to which i expressed a slight twitch in my left eye, but nonetheless). 

So basically, Belle likes to read. 

And in this song: EVERYONE bags her for it!

I know what your thinking: you're all thinking to yourselves "I want proof dammit!"

FINE! I'LL GIVE YOU PROOF!

Ladies and gentleman, exhibit A!

THE LYRICS TO THE SONG SHE SINGS!

Townspeople: "Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar, I wonder if she's feeling well."

So you think to yourself - why? Why is Belle so peculiar?

Oh, don't worry, they explain all that within the next lyrics:

"With a dreamy far-off look, and her nose stuck in a book - What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle"

...You mean, she's weird because she reads?

Oh, and don't forget, she has a 'dreamy far-off' look too!

*le gasp*

HOW DARE SHE!

What is this saying to little kids who have hopes in becoming an author? Or merely, children who just like to read?

OR JUST LIKE TO DAYDREAM!

THAT WE WILL BE WEIRD?

I'm sure Shakespeare, Dickens and Dahl have something to say about this!

...Or well, before they all died anyway... 

Exhibit B 

If lyrics weren't enough, lets see the faces of these criminals! These accusers of the written word!

Picture one: okay, so the two elderly woman in the background may be making fun of Belle's ape impression... OR THE BOOK IN HER BASKET! :O

Picture two: Woman with fonzi-like hairdo in 16th century paris - SHAME ON YOU!

Picture three: The most compelling and shocking evidence of them all: EVEN when Belle tutors little baby sheep in how to read, she attracts the 'evil eye' from a disheveled woman in the back! Let me remind you, this is all because she is READING! Or because she likes to daydream! 


Picture four: THEY AREN'T EVEN SUBTLE WHEN TEASING HER! I mean, the LEAST they could do was give her silent, disproving faces or quiet grunts of disapproval here and there... but no! Belle has to be followed like Angelina Jolie taking the rubbish out!

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

This is NOT right!

I've got this theory that this is all part of Disney's dream to turn children off books and onto TV instead - as a result, transforming them into a horde of mindless zombies to which the company will use to take over the world. 

Not a likely thought, but a 'chin-stroker' theory at that...

My final thought (yes, Jerry Springer isn't the only one who has these):

As a student partaking in a professional and creative writing course, I say 'FOR SHAME DISNEY!'

'FOR SHAME!'

So it begins... ( a personal blog)

Rivals have been in the history pages from the very beginnings of time:  

Romulus had Remus

Da Vinci had Michaelangelo,

Tom had Jerry,

Freddy had Jason

Batman had the Joker

Even Peter Griffin has Homer Simpson

And the Enigma has the Enema 

http://www.the--enema.blogspot.com/

Yes, that's right. These masked crusaders do not only sit idle in our history books or in the media - truth be told, they create their own blogspots now and then.

Just like the Joker, this fellow blogspot-arian too has a veiled identity, a pseudonym - a, how-do-you-say, 'nom de plume' if you will. He follows an inspiration for people such as Ronald Dahl (forever in the shadows of his more famous older brother, Roald Dahl) and Ronald McDonald... perhaps even Ronald Reagan, who knows...

Just like the Joker , this literary fiend too has many a skill against his opponent. A power. A 'force' if you will. While the Joker had a peculiar knack for bombs, the Enema's uncanny ability involves the power of photoshop - as expressed in the 'delightful' picture below, to which, interestingly enough, my once-innocent-now-violated cartoon character looks like she is receiving an enema herself.   

 He perhaps, has the advantage in a quarrel - being as it may that he has known me ever since I was dubbed 'Jack' (a nickname of mine to which I had since birth. The meaning of the name I prefer not to elaborate on).  Yet the underdog - through comic strip or through the TV screen, is always said to prevail! After all, I too have an advantage: this man works a full-time 'arduous' (the word arduous being emphasized)  job whereas I get by on easy street being as it may that my delightful uni course allows me to read only a few books a week. Therefore, when attacking with my enigmatic forces of literary steel, his counterattack may take a while to arrive... Also, they say that 'strength lies in numbers' - judging by the enema's 39 facebook friends (refusing to make it 40 in order to be non-conformist) I think I have the upper hand... 

Who knows where this sudden passion for revenge has come from. Perhaps it may be because of my school hours, perhaps it may be because he is jealous of my wit and good looks. Whatever it may be; know this Enema: YOU SHALL FEEL MY WRATH!!!!

Perhaps Lily Allen was right...

"Happy? Smile! Sad? Frown! USE THE CORRESPONDING FACE FOR THE CORRESPONDING EMOTION!!" - Meg Ryan 

Meg Ryan's incredibly poignant words from "French Kiss" inspire me to sit at my little desk, drum my fingers on my little keyboard and type in capital letters. 

This is all in regards to band photos by the way. How is it, that in most (not all, but most) bands have the tendency to not smile in band photos? What is with the incredibly ambiguous, yet somewhat arrogant tendency to not smile?

I mean, even the Mona Lisa smiles a bit - and thats the most famous painting on the face of the earth!!  Imagine if she wasn't smiling? There would be no fantastic secret to her smile! The term 'Mona Lisa smile' would be questioned and life as we know it would be topsy turvy!!!!

The cat in the photo above says it all. Smiling draws our attention to people (or animals). It makes them look inviting. So WHY! Why on earth don't a lot of bands do it in promo's? I mean, seriously, EVERY band does the 'solemn, 'meaningful' expression.' It really isn't unique anymore. It's exactly like the 'myspace photo' - it's lost its appeal!!  

 There must be an explanation - some foreseeable reason to why people continue to do the 'stares off into distance' look... Are the band members forced to hide their emotions so they reserve the rest of it in their songs? Or is it some secret government conspiracy trying to protect band members from developing wrinkles? Someone help me out here!!!

You know what? If I were flipping through a magazine, and I saw a picture of 3 guys smiling in quirky poses versus a group shot of three men walking along a beach with the sun setting in the background with the whole 'bold-and-the-beautiful-stare-off-into-the-distance' look, I'd totally pay more attention to the smiling photo... Because it almost never gets done anymore!

It's like that South Park episode where Cartman orders Token and Butters to pose on the beach side for their new band. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about!! Have a look!!! Why is it always on some unnamable beach, melancholic expressions, and look at the picture!! A SUNSET IN THE BACKGROUND! 

Perhaps Lily Allen was right. Perhaps we should all just "go ahead and smi-i-ile."

Perhaps we should protest on the streets near record companies, holding up signs that say: ':-)'

So spread the word. Spread the word from band to band, from ocean to ocean - NAY!  From continent to continent!! Spread the notion of the 'smiling band' photo!!!!

TUT ON SON!! TUT ON!!!!!

Marvel Mishaps

This blog is going against every admiration that I feel to comic books.
(Yes, I'm a super hero geek and proud to proclaim such a fact... just don't get me started on Batman...)
Spiderman, Superman, Batman, X men, (Wolverine is my favourite), the list is endless. We all know them to be the superheroes of our childhood. They are the second inspiration for making children believe that they too can fly (Peter Pan and Tinkerbell being the first inspiration - making it seem way too realistic for a four year olds liking... and yes I speak from experience...).

But while we can appreciate these superheroes from afar, up close, they seem to have a lot of things that just don't sit right...
For instance, my first point - Superman. As his name mentions, he is quite a man. A man with 'super' qualities I guess...For those of you who don't know, one of Superman's many 'super' traits is that nothing can penetrate through his skin.... including bullets.

So, okay, I've been able to accept this and nod my head in approval. Seems pretty cool. Every superhero has to have his own ability and this is one of many of Supermans.
But no my friends, it is not Superman's super qualities that inspire such blogs...

It's Superman's costume.

Not only does it give children the false impression that if they wear a red cape, they can instantly fly, but the comics have a major flaw.
True to the fact that bullets cannot hurt this 'Superman', but how come they don't go through his costume at least? Since when was spandex considered indestructible!

Also, I really cannot comprehend the fact that no one realizes that Superman is Clark Kent - being as it may that the only difference between the two seems to be a pair of thick rimmed glasses and gelled hair...

E GAD! THEY LOOK LIKE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!!

It's the incredible power of the rimmed glasses that does it... *nods* oh, and don't deny that parting ones hair a certain way can make you look like a completely new person...

And such questions not only arise when I think about Superman - lets flick our marvel comics to our neighbourhood friend, Spiderman

I'm a big big fan of the spidery super hero. He made blue and red look good together, what can I say... He is probably my favourite super hero despite his constant stream of angst in the movies...

Yet there are a few things that got me thinking about him...

Okay, this is going to sound weird but i don't, and have never understood why on earth those webs are coming out of his fingers

Sure, i understand that if the average joe is to be bitten by a radioactive spider in his life, there is bound to be repercussions and pretty nasty spidery side effects. But technically, if he is a 'spider man' those webs should be coming out of a different part of his body... if you catch my drift...

And the whole radiation thing gets to me too. Why is it, that in real life, when a person is exposed to radiation, horrible, deadly diseases may occur as a result, but in comic books, if we are bitten by radioactive spiders or fall into radioactive vats of oil or something, they are instantly indestructible?

Anyway, I have to go now - the metropolis needs me. 
xx

Rock, Scissors, Earwig

Scissors, Paper, Rock.
It was the entertaining game in our youth that is still used to this day to settle who will eat the final slice of pizza or who will be the first to kick off a soccer game. 

'Rock off' they call it.

Throughout many games, I have held my tongue and have kept to myself, why I hate this seemingly innocent game...
...Until now. 

Scissors beats paper, yes. Thats an obvious one. Scissors can destroy paper – literally cut it in half so to speak. Yes, very good. I’m with you so far.

Rock beats scissors, again, i don't have any problem with that. Like Bart Simpson once stated 'good ol' rock, nothin' beats that...’

My query is this my dear friends:
Why. Why on EARTH does paper - flimsy, fragile, delicate, dainty, weak paper - beat hard, strong, sturdy, unyieldingly solid rock???
WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THIS!?!?!

So like all of my blogs, I did my research. I didn't want to totally bag paper without the proper information first. That wouldn't be fair right? Especially to all those trees...
So the first place I look, is none other than Wikipedia...

A lot of people bag wikipedia and rightfully so - about anyone can update information on there and whatnot and blah blah blah. But despite its flaws, Wikipedia will always hold a special place in my heart. And hey, no ones perfect, right? And yes, internet sites are categorized in the 'imperfect spectrum'... Common, you guys have all gone on Wikipedia when wanting major help for an assignment! Don't deny it!!!!
Anyway, I look it up... not only did I find out that they have official scissors paper rock games overseas, but I have also found out why! Why on earth paper has the power to beat rock!
That's right, I have searched the darkest realms of wikipedia and the general google sphere to discover the source of power that paper has over rock! I have located the mystery, nay, the awe inspiring power that is consisted within this element! A power so great, that the ring from Lord of the Rings would be shivering in fear!!! I, Victoria, have unearthed the secret, awesome power of paper! The mystery behind its victory!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen!!!!
BEHOLD THE FOLLOWING QUOTE FROM WIKIPEDIA IN ALL ITS GLORY!!!!!!

"Paper covers or captures rock, making paper win"
... O.o
Are you serious?
...*looks sideways*
...T-thats it?
So ... So hold on a moment... You’re saying, if you cover a rock with a piece of paper, it will automatically defeat rock??
...No

...NO, I’m sorry, I WILL NOT HAVE IT!

Scissors paper rock is a game where one thing must defeat and utterly annihilate and pwn the other. Clearly if you cover a rock with paper, the rock can penetrate through it!!! I agree with Bart Simpson on this one - nothing can beat rock!
Unless one decides to rename it to 'Scissors, chainsaw, rock' or something...
...But I think that would just be too messy...
We had a variation to the game in primary school to when, if someone would be destroyed by paper when putting down rock, we'd quickly turn the rock into a bomb and say 'EXPLOSION!' to which defeats all... I propose we bring back this format of the game and put so called 'paper' in the time-out corner until it has learnt its lesson...

Actually while I was doing my research, I found out some pretty cool variations to the game which frankly, in my opinion, make ‘scissors paper rock’ seem like childs play! PURE CHILDS PLAY I SAY!!!!

For instance, in Indonesia, we come across a variation consisting of ‘earwig, human, elephant’ in which the earwig climbs into the elephants ear and makes it go crazy, the human crushes the earwig and the elephant crushes the human... Hmmm... Fair cool, fair cool...
‘That 70s Show’ also had a good take on the game - ‘cockroach, nuclear bomb, foot’ - the cockroach survives the nuclear bomb, the nuclear bomb destroys the foot and the foot destroys the cockroach...(Random note: twas an idle day a few days ago, I was lounging around and watching ‘Whose Line is it Anyway’ I believe... And I noticed quite a large black thing at the corner of my eye... T’was a cockroach... Now for some reason, I just don’t like cockroaches... They don't sit with me right. Now I have a cat who loves to eat these little guys and he was staring and repetitively meowing at this bug for fairly long and I was going to do us both a favour and lift him to the cockroach for desert, but I went closer to Mr Roach only to realize that it had only one antenna... The other had been cut off... I thought of how all the other roaches must have mocked him from afar, told him snide jokes about his one-tenna and he simply MUST have sought to my house as a last means of sanctuary... Well, the one-tenna cockroach, I began to feel sorry for the little guy and left him walking happily on my roof... I named him Barry...
...I haven’t seen Barry since then... And my cat hasn’t really been touching his food lately so I’m wondering....
BUT ANYWAY!!)


So, I ask you gents and gentle ladies out there in cyberspace, am I going crazy? Or is this game COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY flawed???
I know there is probably something I’ve overlooked, some foreseeable reason to how i am wrong, but for now, I stand by my theory - The only thing that paper can be victorious in is causing some pretty serious paper cuts...

I will leave you all with this little joke I found surfing the epic waves of google. I thought it suited this blog quite nicely:
"When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, 'Oh shit! I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.'"

And thats the way the cookie crumbles,
Until we meet again,
Vic

Philosophy at it's finest - the identity of 'she'

(Note - this is a slightly old theory, I know - just wanted to post something...)

"She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells."

The above phrase is a very well regarded tongue twister. Approximately 9 out of 10 people are well aware of the phrase.

However, when one studies the tongue twister analytically, we realize that the tongue-twister has many flaws.

Okay, this is what I want to know:

Why does this 'she' sell sea shells by the sea shore...
...when people can pick up their own shells for free?
WHERE IS THE PROFIT, let alone, the logic in that?!?!

Just put yourself into this scenario:
You're on the beach. Minding your own business, walking your dog or building a sandcastle, running away from waves, chasing seagulls, i don't know, whatever you folk do at the beach. Then suddenly, a woman asks you if you would like to buy a sea shell from her extensive sea shell collection. It's a sale. One shell for a dollar, two for a dollar and fifty cents.

You contemplate on the fact...

...then you actually look around at your surroundings to discover that there are many other sea shells around you already. No, let me rephrase that, plenty of FREE sea shells.

SO WHY WOULD YOU BUY ONE FROM THE SEA SHELL LADY!?!?!

Another thing that gets to me, why can't we know this chicks name?
Why does she have to be disguised by the name 'She?'
We knew the identity of "Peter Piper" who picked a peck of pickled peppers...
SO WHY IS THE CREATOR OF THIS TONGUE TWISTER UNABLE TO SUPLY TO US ALL A NAME!??!
Is this woman a part of the FBI, secretly plotting to sell sea shells under the name of 'She'?
Or is this 'She' some random woman whose aim in life is to scam poor, innocent passer-byers on the beach?

Why does she do this my friends, why!!!

And even though my sister claims:

Alyssia: Tory...you clearly have no life here......

I persist to strive on! To find the identity of 'She' AND GOD DAMNIT! I WILL FIND OUT WHY SHE IS SELLING THOSE SHELLS!!!

Goodnight and God speed,
x

Mirror mirror on the wall... Who is the most EVIL of them all?

(Warning: this blog, unlike my others, is NOT a theory - more of an opinion piece. For all those angered by this sudden change of blog, you may proceed to throw tomatoes at your screens in 3... 2... 1...)

My beloved friend Gilly mentioned this question to me the other day and a whirl pool of thoughts entered my head... I couldn't help but post a blog about it!
The question is:
Ladies and Gents, answer me this - who is the SCARIEST disney character ever to grace the screens?
Thats right - who is the most frightening, most evil, most coniving, most 'AHH! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME' cartoon character to scare the living poop out of us? Who is the villain most worthy to hold the title? Who can inspire such fear in our childhood selves so much so, that it inspires such blogs? Which cartoon villain puts the boogeyman to shame and makes one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eaters look like the freaking toothfairy?
After days and days of tedious debating, frustrated conversations with myself and agonizing hair-pulling effort, i have compiled a list.

Thats right. Below for your viewing pleasure, is my own list - from most pathetic to *shields eyes from scariness*. If i've left any villains out, I apologize in advance - I've just got a top 12 thing going on and I skipped others because I can barely remember them. I know

MANY will disagree but hey, everyones scared of different things. When i was younger, i was petrified, absolutely terrified of the cookie monster. He was in each and every one of my nightmares. If the blue bugger came on tv, i used to jump behind the couch - quivering in fear that he may pop out of the tv and eat my prized double choc chip cookies. And now look at me!! (Last year, i was the mascot for my house colour - Loreto which was blue. They chose none other than the cookie fiend as their mascot... and someone had to wear the costume so I wore the sweat infested thing for a year... And yes, that is indeed me in the photo above...)

Enough of embarrassing childhood situations, contestant number 12, common down!!!

12. CAPTAIN HOOK

(Peter Pan)

Captain Hook. I deem you most pathetic villain EVER. Which shames me to say because one of my favourite movies is 'Hook' with the wonderful Dustin Hoffman and Robbin Williams. "Bangarang" is still used in my vocabulary to this date. Before my sister Giulia goes to bed, she yells out 'GOODNIGHT NEVERLAND!' in respect of the film...

It's funny because I asked my Mum who she thought was the worst villain ever, and she said none other than the one-handed pirate. When I asked her why, this is the conversation I had.
Vic: Hook? He's pathetic! Why is he the worst?
Mum: Well... he was afraid of clocks...
Vic: *quizzical eyebrow movement*
Mum: Which makes him pretty scary. I mean, who is afraid of clocks? He's got to have some major psychological issues going on there... and that makes him scary...
Vic: ...

Sorry to say it Mum, but I disagree COMPLETELY! I mean, in a way, he is too...comedic to be considered 'shit in your pants' scary. He is also a villain that can be understood. Think about it - he's pissed off at Peter for cutting off his bloody hand and feeding it to a freaking crocodile. To tell you truthfully, I would hold a tiny grudge over the mishap too!! Plus, it's hardly a fair fight. I mean, imp boy can fly whereas Hook man is bound to two feet.
Sorry Hook. The french moustache thing going on sealed the deal for me...

11. LADY TREMAINE
(Aka, the evil stepmother of Cinderella)
(possible theory: why don't you ever see 'evil mothers' in Disney films? Why do they always have to be 'step-mothers'? Actually, where are all the disney mothers? They are either dead or not present for some weird reason or another)

She is the stereotypical eat-your-heart-out evil stepmother. With an icy smile, she can silence even the most determined of minds. She is like the evil mother-in-law that we hope never to have - the evil maths teacher who makes us feel stupid when we get an algebra question wrong! THE TEXTILES TEACHER WHO MAKES FUN OF US FOR BREAKING 3 SEWING MACHINE NEEDLES IN A ROW!!! (And yes, I speak from experience - in self defense, I still say that the sewing machine I worked on was secretly cursed long long ago). I can't say she's the scariest though - She never lays a finger on little Cindie, preferring psychological torment instead... I guess it's probably easier on the nails or something...

10. GASTON

(Beauty and the Beast)
The song stated it well - Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny, and ev'ry last inch of him's covered with hair...
*suggestive eyebrow movement*
The chissel-abbed, fabio-like exterior of a man has engraved a special place in the worst villains list. After all, no one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston... He is also a perfect example of moobs (man boobs) - as noted on the pic above...
But he makes the transformation of an egotistical, desperate-for-some-loving, man into quite a frightening villain. In year 11, I was watching the school's Beauty and the Beast musical. Even with my good friends by my side, I was STILL freaked out by 'The Mob song' where they sing 'KILL THE BEAST!!' - it scares the life out of me to this day... LEAVE THE BEAST ALONE YOU STUNNING SPECIMEN OF A MAN! HE DID NOTHING TO YOU!!!!


9. HADES

(Hercules)

Lets face it. Hades is the 'Jan' to Zeus's 'Marsha'. He may appear angsty at first in the film, exclaiming 'MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA!' at all the things that are unfair in his life but common, the flame haired cartoon character, when he's not trying to be a comedian, can be quite scary. He explodes into anger almost as much as Jonathan Rhys Meyers does when playing King Henry. And common, being God of the underworld adds to the freakyness just a tad... Plus, not to mention, the flame hair thing he has going on...

8. JAFAR

(Aladdin)

The goatee does it. Common, it's all in the goatee! Jafar is perhaps the most stylish of all villains, wearing stylish red flowing robes that could only look fabulous with his figure... His fair cunning with his hypnotizing staff thingy... I'd love to get my hands on one of those things... But anyway, Jafar, well, you've got to say he's pretty mean, with the whole 'trying-to-kill- the-sultan-and-jasmine-and-Aladdin' thing, as well as the whole 'turn-into-a-huge-snake-and-then-a-ginornous-genie' thing at the end of the film. For some reason though, I've never found him all too scary... It's probably the flowing robes...

7. CRUELLA DE VIL

(101 Dalmations)

To make a long story short, any person who would want to kill one hundred and one dalmations to make into a coat should be on this list. I mean, common! Leave the dogs alone!! Move onto something else - it's CLEARLY not working for you!! Still, you got

to hand it to Cruel- ella. She has determination...

6. URSULA

(The Little Mermaid)

Okay, what is Ursula? I brought the dvd the other day and that's EXACTLY what I thought to myself. First I said 'clearly she is a mermaid chick who has just got a bad case of UV sunburn' then, I saw tentacles sprout out from her arse and I'm like 'whoah, hold on a second!' I think she is the love child of an octopus and a seal or something, I'm not sure. Whatever she is, she's big, she's bootilicious and she's purple. What more could you want? She scared the daylights out of me when she stole Ariel's voice and still, at the age of 18, I found myself screaming at the TV saying 'NO ARIEL! DON'T DO IT!!!! YOU CAN"T TRUST THAT ASS!'


5. THE QUEEN

(Snow White and the Seven Dwarves)

I don't remember much of Snow White. All I seem to remember is that 'Hi HOOOOOOO' song and when the witch turns into a hag in order to sell an apple to snow white... You'd think in order to make the apple more appealing, you would turn into someone more attractive. I mean, who wants to try an apple from a warty old lady? Then again, the people I buy my groceries from aren't exactly models in the making... What it comes down to is that this chick is so concerned about her own vanity, that she is willing to kill people off just so that she can be the 'most beautiful of them all'. Perhaps a little extreme, wouldn't you say?

4. MALEFICENT

(Sleeping Beauty)

Like Shan-yu from Mulan, this chick also has the freaky bird thing going on... Which always seems to remind me of the Wizard of Oz when that witch says 'FLY MY PRETTIES!!!!! FLY!!!!!' but whatever... A lot of people may see this chick as the scariest one alive, but honestly, I hated the movie 'Sleeping Beauty' so much, that every time I watch it, I end up going to sleep. True, she does make it interesting though. It's Aurora that pisses me off. She sees this random guy for like 5 minutes and then, when told she can't see him by those three fairies, says "BUT I LOVE HIM!!!!!" *wails as runs into room melodramatically* ohh pah-leez! Maleficent is definitely interesting though - her laugh is chilling to say the least. Plus, she goes on a murderous rampage just because she wasn't invited to a party... I mean, imagine what she'd do if you called her a skank or something??? Oh, HELL NO!! *clicks fingers*

3. SCAR

(The Lion King)

Okay, Scar was the ONE villain from disney I was absolutely terrified by in my youth, and I was going to put him as number 1 but then reconsidered... He's fair evil though. I mean, think about it. He looks into the eyes of his own brother when he kills him and all without a qualm. If that wasn't enough, he deprives a poor lion cub of a father and home. Common, don't tell me that when Mufasa died and Simba came to try and 'wake him up' - that you didn't shed a tear! I mean, my media class at school watched it a couple o' years ago and even THEN you could hear the faint sobs echoing throughout the classroom... What was even more surprising was the startling 'ooh Simba turned hot' when he did a ' backwards benjamin button' as he walked across that log with Timone and Pumba... I tried to remind them all that not only was he a cartoon, but a lion cartoon at that but to no avail... It was the mane that did it for them I think...

2. SHAN-YU

(Mulan)

I do a lot of research when it comes to my blogs. So for this one in particular, I got out my disney dvds and sat on this very chair and did my work as any blogger would do. Very arduous work at that - watching disney movie after disney movie. *que sarcasm here* Mulan was the one that still blew me away. Shan yu is definitely one scary mo fo. I mean, not only has he got the whole uni-brow thing going on, but that hawk he has? Freaky. And in one part of the film when he finds a little doll, it is insinuated that he kills a little girl!!! WHO KILLS LITTLE GIRLS!!!! Not even SCAR reduced himself to that low!
Therefore, i dub thee, Shan-yu, a bastard.

And now, numero uno!

*drumroll*

...

....

1. JUDGE CLAUDE FROLLO

(The Hunchback Of Notre Dame)

I saw this movie again today and even at the mere age of 18, was STILL freaked out by this guy! He has these moments when his eyeballs dilate and all this flame and redness just appears in the background randomly... This man is scary. If you watch the film again, there are all these subtleties too. Like when he captures Esmerelda, he smells her hair and she's all 'what are you doing' and he goes '...I was just thinking of seeing a rope around that beautiful neck' and then he feels her up a bit and Esmarela goes 'I know what you were thinking about!!' He is willing to kill towns of people without any hesitation. He sets a house on fire, more than willing to see the people inside burn... which sends shivers down my spine... And he's just a crap guy, alright!!!

Plus, NO ONE CALLS QUASIMODO A MONSTER WHILE I'M AROUND!!!!

Don't worry Quasi, Esmerelda may have ditched you, but I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! *hugs tv screen*

So tell me if you guys agree with me or not. Who is YOUR worst evil villain to grace the screens of disney? Is it one I've mentioned? Or one I've forgotten about? Please let me know!

If you read all of the above, you are extremely cool and awesome - for if there is a illness for writing too much, I believe I may have it. I'm being diagnosed for it and everything, I swear.

Until we meet again,

The Enigma