So it begins... ( a personal blog)

Rivals have been in the history pages from the very beginnings of time:  

Romulus had Remus

Da Vinci had Michaelangelo,

Tom had Jerry,

Freddy had Jason

Batman had the Joker

Even Peter Griffin has Homer Simpson

And the Enigma has the Enema 

http://www.the--enema.blogspot.com/

Yes, that's right. These masked crusaders do not only sit idle in our history books or in the media - truth be told, they create their own blogspots now and then.

Just like the Joker, this fellow blogspot-arian too has a veiled identity, a pseudonym - a, how-do-you-say, 'nom de plume' if you will. He follows an inspiration for people such as Ronald Dahl (forever in the shadows of his more famous older brother, Roald Dahl) and Ronald McDonald... perhaps even Ronald Reagan, who knows...

Just like the Joker , this literary fiend too has many a skill against his opponent. A power. A 'force' if you will. While the Joker had a peculiar knack for bombs, the Enema's uncanny ability involves the power of photoshop - as expressed in the 'delightful' picture below, to which, interestingly enough, my once-innocent-now-violated cartoon character looks like she is receiving an enema herself.   

 He perhaps, has the advantage in a quarrel - being as it may that he has known me ever since I was dubbed 'Jack' (a nickname of mine to which I had since birth. The meaning of the name I prefer not to elaborate on).  Yet the underdog - through comic strip or through the TV screen, is always said to prevail! After all, I too have an advantage: this man works a full-time 'arduous' (the word arduous being emphasized)  job whereas I get by on easy street being as it may that my delightful uni course allows me to read only a few books a week. Therefore, when attacking with my enigmatic forces of literary steel, his counterattack may take a while to arrive... Also, they say that 'strength lies in numbers' - judging by the enema's 39 facebook friends (refusing to make it 40 in order to be non-conformist) I think I have the upper hand... 

Who knows where this sudden passion for revenge has come from. Perhaps it may be because of my school hours, perhaps it may be because he is jealous of my wit and good looks. Whatever it may be; know this Enema: YOU SHALL FEEL MY WRATH!!!!

Perhaps Lily Allen was right...

"Happy? Smile! Sad? Frown! USE THE CORRESPONDING FACE FOR THE CORRESPONDING EMOTION!!" - Meg Ryan 

Meg Ryan's incredibly poignant words from "French Kiss" inspire me to sit at my little desk, drum my fingers on my little keyboard and type in capital letters. 

This is all in regards to band photos by the way. How is it, that in most (not all, but most) bands have the tendency to not smile in band photos? What is with the incredibly ambiguous, yet somewhat arrogant tendency to not smile?

I mean, even the Mona Lisa smiles a bit - and thats the most famous painting on the face of the earth!!  Imagine if she wasn't smiling? There would be no fantastic secret to her smile! The term 'Mona Lisa smile' would be questioned and life as we know it would be topsy turvy!!!!

The cat in the photo above says it all. Smiling draws our attention to people (or animals). It makes them look inviting. So WHY! Why on earth don't a lot of bands do it in promo's? I mean, seriously, EVERY band does the 'solemn, 'meaningful' expression.' It really isn't unique anymore. It's exactly like the 'myspace photo' - it's lost its appeal!!  

 There must be an explanation - some foreseeable reason to why people continue to do the 'stares off into distance' look... Are the band members forced to hide their emotions so they reserve the rest of it in their songs? Or is it some secret government conspiracy trying to protect band members from developing wrinkles? Someone help me out here!!!

You know what? If I were flipping through a magazine, and I saw a picture of 3 guys smiling in quirky poses versus a group shot of three men walking along a beach with the sun setting in the background with the whole 'bold-and-the-beautiful-stare-off-into-the-distance' look, I'd totally pay more attention to the smiling photo... Because it almost never gets done anymore!

It's like that South Park episode where Cartman orders Token and Butters to pose on the beach side for their new band. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about!! Have a look!!! Why is it always on some unnamable beach, melancholic expressions, and look at the picture!! A SUNSET IN THE BACKGROUND! 

Perhaps Lily Allen was right. Perhaps we should all just "go ahead and smi-i-ile."

Perhaps we should protest on the streets near record companies, holding up signs that say: ':-)'

So spread the word. Spread the word from band to band, from ocean to ocean - NAY!  From continent to continent!! Spread the notion of the 'smiling band' photo!!!!

TUT ON SON!! TUT ON!!!!!

Marvel Mishaps

This blog is going against every admiration that I feel to comic books.
(Yes, I'm a super hero geek and proud to proclaim such a fact... just don't get me started on Batman...)
Spiderman, Superman, Batman, X men, (Wolverine is my favourite), the list is endless. We all know them to be the superheroes of our childhood. They are the second inspiration for making children believe that they too can fly (Peter Pan and Tinkerbell being the first inspiration - making it seem way too realistic for a four year olds liking... and yes I speak from experience...).

But while we can appreciate these superheroes from afar, up close, they seem to have a lot of things that just don't sit right...
For instance, my first point - Superman. As his name mentions, he is quite a man. A man with 'super' qualities I guess...For those of you who don't know, one of Superman's many 'super' traits is that nothing can penetrate through his skin.... including bullets.

So, okay, I've been able to accept this and nod my head in approval. Seems pretty cool. Every superhero has to have his own ability and this is one of many of Supermans.
But no my friends, it is not Superman's super qualities that inspire such blogs...

It's Superman's costume.

Not only does it give children the false impression that if they wear a red cape, they can instantly fly, but the comics have a major flaw.
True to the fact that bullets cannot hurt this 'Superman', but how come they don't go through his costume at least? Since when was spandex considered indestructible!

Also, I really cannot comprehend the fact that no one realizes that Superman is Clark Kent - being as it may that the only difference between the two seems to be a pair of thick rimmed glasses and gelled hair...

E GAD! THEY LOOK LIKE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!!

It's the incredible power of the rimmed glasses that does it... *nods* oh, and don't deny that parting ones hair a certain way can make you look like a completely new person...

And such questions not only arise when I think about Superman - lets flick our marvel comics to our neighbourhood friend, Spiderman

I'm a big big fan of the spidery super hero. He made blue and red look good together, what can I say... He is probably my favourite super hero despite his constant stream of angst in the movies...

Yet there are a few things that got me thinking about him...

Okay, this is going to sound weird but i don't, and have never understood why on earth those webs are coming out of his fingers

Sure, i understand that if the average joe is to be bitten by a radioactive spider in his life, there is bound to be repercussions and pretty nasty spidery side effects. But technically, if he is a 'spider man' those webs should be coming out of a different part of his body... if you catch my drift...

And the whole radiation thing gets to me too. Why is it, that in real life, when a person is exposed to radiation, horrible, deadly diseases may occur as a result, but in comic books, if we are bitten by radioactive spiders or fall into radioactive vats of oil or something, they are instantly indestructible?

Anyway, I have to go now - the metropolis needs me. 
xx

Rock, Scissors, Earwig

Scissors, Paper, Rock.
It was the entertaining game in our youth that is still used to this day to settle who will eat the final slice of pizza or who will be the first to kick off a soccer game. 

'Rock off' they call it.

Throughout many games, I have held my tongue and have kept to myself, why I hate this seemingly innocent game...
...Until now. 

Scissors beats paper, yes. Thats an obvious one. Scissors can destroy paper – literally cut it in half so to speak. Yes, very good. I’m with you so far.

Rock beats scissors, again, i don't have any problem with that. Like Bart Simpson once stated 'good ol' rock, nothin' beats that...’

My query is this my dear friends:
Why. Why on EARTH does paper - flimsy, fragile, delicate, dainty, weak paper - beat hard, strong, sturdy, unyieldingly solid rock???
WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THIS!?!?!

So like all of my blogs, I did my research. I didn't want to totally bag paper without the proper information first. That wouldn't be fair right? Especially to all those trees...
So the first place I look, is none other than Wikipedia...

A lot of people bag wikipedia and rightfully so - about anyone can update information on there and whatnot and blah blah blah. But despite its flaws, Wikipedia will always hold a special place in my heart. And hey, no ones perfect, right? And yes, internet sites are categorized in the 'imperfect spectrum'... Common, you guys have all gone on Wikipedia when wanting major help for an assignment! Don't deny it!!!!
Anyway, I look it up... not only did I find out that they have official scissors paper rock games overseas, but I have also found out why! Why on earth paper has the power to beat rock!
That's right, I have searched the darkest realms of wikipedia and the general google sphere to discover the source of power that paper has over rock! I have located the mystery, nay, the awe inspiring power that is consisted within this element! A power so great, that the ring from Lord of the Rings would be shivering in fear!!! I, Victoria, have unearthed the secret, awesome power of paper! The mystery behind its victory!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen!!!!
BEHOLD THE FOLLOWING QUOTE FROM WIKIPEDIA IN ALL ITS GLORY!!!!!!

"Paper covers or captures rock, making paper win"
... O.o
Are you serious?
...*looks sideways*
...T-thats it?
So ... So hold on a moment... You’re saying, if you cover a rock with a piece of paper, it will automatically defeat rock??
...No

...NO, I’m sorry, I WILL NOT HAVE IT!

Scissors paper rock is a game where one thing must defeat and utterly annihilate and pwn the other. Clearly if you cover a rock with paper, the rock can penetrate through it!!! I agree with Bart Simpson on this one - nothing can beat rock!
Unless one decides to rename it to 'Scissors, chainsaw, rock' or something...
...But I think that would just be too messy...
We had a variation to the game in primary school to when, if someone would be destroyed by paper when putting down rock, we'd quickly turn the rock into a bomb and say 'EXPLOSION!' to which defeats all... I propose we bring back this format of the game and put so called 'paper' in the time-out corner until it has learnt its lesson...

Actually while I was doing my research, I found out some pretty cool variations to the game which frankly, in my opinion, make ‘scissors paper rock’ seem like childs play! PURE CHILDS PLAY I SAY!!!!

For instance, in Indonesia, we come across a variation consisting of ‘earwig, human, elephant’ in which the earwig climbs into the elephants ear and makes it go crazy, the human crushes the earwig and the elephant crushes the human... Hmmm... Fair cool, fair cool...
‘That 70s Show’ also had a good take on the game - ‘cockroach, nuclear bomb, foot’ - the cockroach survives the nuclear bomb, the nuclear bomb destroys the foot and the foot destroys the cockroach...(Random note: twas an idle day a few days ago, I was lounging around and watching ‘Whose Line is it Anyway’ I believe... And I noticed quite a large black thing at the corner of my eye... T’was a cockroach... Now for some reason, I just don’t like cockroaches... They don't sit with me right. Now I have a cat who loves to eat these little guys and he was staring and repetitively meowing at this bug for fairly long and I was going to do us both a favour and lift him to the cockroach for desert, but I went closer to Mr Roach only to realize that it had only one antenna... The other had been cut off... I thought of how all the other roaches must have mocked him from afar, told him snide jokes about his one-tenna and he simply MUST have sought to my house as a last means of sanctuary... Well, the one-tenna cockroach, I began to feel sorry for the little guy and left him walking happily on my roof... I named him Barry...
...I haven’t seen Barry since then... And my cat hasn’t really been touching his food lately so I’m wondering....
BUT ANYWAY!!)


So, I ask you gents and gentle ladies out there in cyberspace, am I going crazy? Or is this game COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY flawed???
I know there is probably something I’ve overlooked, some foreseeable reason to how i am wrong, but for now, I stand by my theory - The only thing that paper can be victorious in is causing some pretty serious paper cuts...

I will leave you all with this little joke I found surfing the epic waves of google. I thought it suited this blog quite nicely:
"When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, 'Oh shit! I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.'"

And thats the way the cookie crumbles,
Until we meet again,
Vic

Philosophy at it's finest - the identity of 'she'

(Note - this is a slightly old theory, I know - just wanted to post something...)

"She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells."

The above phrase is a very well regarded tongue twister. Approximately 9 out of 10 people are well aware of the phrase.

However, when one studies the tongue twister analytically, we realize that the tongue-twister has many flaws.

Okay, this is what I want to know:

Why does this 'she' sell sea shells by the sea shore...
...when people can pick up their own shells for free?
WHERE IS THE PROFIT, let alone, the logic in that?!?!

Just put yourself into this scenario:
You're on the beach. Minding your own business, walking your dog or building a sandcastle, running away from waves, chasing seagulls, i don't know, whatever you folk do at the beach. Then suddenly, a woman asks you if you would like to buy a sea shell from her extensive sea shell collection. It's a sale. One shell for a dollar, two for a dollar and fifty cents.

You contemplate on the fact...

...then you actually look around at your surroundings to discover that there are many other sea shells around you already. No, let me rephrase that, plenty of FREE sea shells.

SO WHY WOULD YOU BUY ONE FROM THE SEA SHELL LADY!?!?!

Another thing that gets to me, why can't we know this chicks name?
Why does she have to be disguised by the name 'She?'
We knew the identity of "Peter Piper" who picked a peck of pickled peppers...
SO WHY IS THE CREATOR OF THIS TONGUE TWISTER UNABLE TO SUPLY TO US ALL A NAME!??!
Is this woman a part of the FBI, secretly plotting to sell sea shells under the name of 'She'?
Or is this 'She' some random woman whose aim in life is to scam poor, innocent passer-byers on the beach?

Why does she do this my friends, why!!!

And even though my sister claims:

Alyssia: Tory...you clearly have no life here......

I persist to strive on! To find the identity of 'She' AND GOD DAMNIT! I WILL FIND OUT WHY SHE IS SELLING THOSE SHELLS!!!

Goodnight and God speed,
x

Mirror mirror on the wall... Who is the most EVIL of them all?

(Warning: this blog, unlike my others, is NOT a theory - more of an opinion piece. For all those angered by this sudden change of blog, you may proceed to throw tomatoes at your screens in 3... 2... 1...)

My beloved friend Gilly mentioned this question to me the other day and a whirl pool of thoughts entered my head... I couldn't help but post a blog about it!
The question is:
Ladies and Gents, answer me this - who is the SCARIEST disney character ever to grace the screens?
Thats right - who is the most frightening, most evil, most coniving, most 'AHH! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME' cartoon character to scare the living poop out of us? Who is the villain most worthy to hold the title? Who can inspire such fear in our childhood selves so much so, that it inspires such blogs? Which cartoon villain puts the boogeyman to shame and makes one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eaters look like the freaking toothfairy?
After days and days of tedious debating, frustrated conversations with myself and agonizing hair-pulling effort, i have compiled a list.

Thats right. Below for your viewing pleasure, is my own list - from most pathetic to *shields eyes from scariness*. If i've left any villains out, I apologize in advance - I've just got a top 12 thing going on and I skipped others because I can barely remember them. I know

MANY will disagree but hey, everyones scared of different things. When i was younger, i was petrified, absolutely terrified of the cookie monster. He was in each and every one of my nightmares. If the blue bugger came on tv, i used to jump behind the couch - quivering in fear that he may pop out of the tv and eat my prized double choc chip cookies. And now look at me!! (Last year, i was the mascot for my house colour - Loreto which was blue. They chose none other than the cookie fiend as their mascot... and someone had to wear the costume so I wore the sweat infested thing for a year... And yes, that is indeed me in the photo above...)

Enough of embarrassing childhood situations, contestant number 12, common down!!!

12. CAPTAIN HOOK

(Peter Pan)

Captain Hook. I deem you most pathetic villain EVER. Which shames me to say because one of my favourite movies is 'Hook' with the wonderful Dustin Hoffman and Robbin Williams. "Bangarang" is still used in my vocabulary to this date. Before my sister Giulia goes to bed, she yells out 'GOODNIGHT NEVERLAND!' in respect of the film...

It's funny because I asked my Mum who she thought was the worst villain ever, and she said none other than the one-handed pirate. When I asked her why, this is the conversation I had.
Vic: Hook? He's pathetic! Why is he the worst?
Mum: Well... he was afraid of clocks...
Vic: *quizzical eyebrow movement*
Mum: Which makes him pretty scary. I mean, who is afraid of clocks? He's got to have some major psychological issues going on there... and that makes him scary...
Vic: ...

Sorry to say it Mum, but I disagree COMPLETELY! I mean, in a way, he is too...comedic to be considered 'shit in your pants' scary. He is also a villain that can be understood. Think about it - he's pissed off at Peter for cutting off his bloody hand and feeding it to a freaking crocodile. To tell you truthfully, I would hold a tiny grudge over the mishap too!! Plus, it's hardly a fair fight. I mean, imp boy can fly whereas Hook man is bound to two feet.
Sorry Hook. The french moustache thing going on sealed the deal for me...

11. LADY TREMAINE
(Aka, the evil stepmother of Cinderella)
(possible theory: why don't you ever see 'evil mothers' in Disney films? Why do they always have to be 'step-mothers'? Actually, where are all the disney mothers? They are either dead or not present for some weird reason or another)

She is the stereotypical eat-your-heart-out evil stepmother. With an icy smile, she can silence even the most determined of minds. She is like the evil mother-in-law that we hope never to have - the evil maths teacher who makes us feel stupid when we get an algebra question wrong! THE TEXTILES TEACHER WHO MAKES FUN OF US FOR BREAKING 3 SEWING MACHINE NEEDLES IN A ROW!!! (And yes, I speak from experience - in self defense, I still say that the sewing machine I worked on was secretly cursed long long ago). I can't say she's the scariest though - She never lays a finger on little Cindie, preferring psychological torment instead... I guess it's probably easier on the nails or something...

10. GASTON

(Beauty and the Beast)
The song stated it well - Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny, and ev'ry last inch of him's covered with hair...
*suggestive eyebrow movement*
The chissel-abbed, fabio-like exterior of a man has engraved a special place in the worst villains list. After all, no one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston... He is also a perfect example of moobs (man boobs) - as noted on the pic above...
But he makes the transformation of an egotistical, desperate-for-some-loving, man into quite a frightening villain. In year 11, I was watching the school's Beauty and the Beast musical. Even with my good friends by my side, I was STILL freaked out by 'The Mob song' where they sing 'KILL THE BEAST!!' - it scares the life out of me to this day... LEAVE THE BEAST ALONE YOU STUNNING SPECIMEN OF A MAN! HE DID NOTHING TO YOU!!!!


9. HADES

(Hercules)

Lets face it. Hades is the 'Jan' to Zeus's 'Marsha'. He may appear angsty at first in the film, exclaiming 'MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA!' at all the things that are unfair in his life but common, the flame haired cartoon character, when he's not trying to be a comedian, can be quite scary. He explodes into anger almost as much as Jonathan Rhys Meyers does when playing King Henry. And common, being God of the underworld adds to the freakyness just a tad... Plus, not to mention, the flame hair thing he has going on...

8. JAFAR

(Aladdin)

The goatee does it. Common, it's all in the goatee! Jafar is perhaps the most stylish of all villains, wearing stylish red flowing robes that could only look fabulous with his figure... His fair cunning with his hypnotizing staff thingy... I'd love to get my hands on one of those things... But anyway, Jafar, well, you've got to say he's pretty mean, with the whole 'trying-to-kill- the-sultan-and-jasmine-and-Aladdin' thing, as well as the whole 'turn-into-a-huge-snake-and-then-a-ginornous-genie' thing at the end of the film. For some reason though, I've never found him all too scary... It's probably the flowing robes...

7. CRUELLA DE VIL

(101 Dalmations)

To make a long story short, any person who would want to kill one hundred and one dalmations to make into a coat should be on this list. I mean, common! Leave the dogs alone!! Move onto something else - it's CLEARLY not working for you!! Still, you got

to hand it to Cruel- ella. She has determination...

6. URSULA

(The Little Mermaid)

Okay, what is Ursula? I brought the dvd the other day and that's EXACTLY what I thought to myself. First I said 'clearly she is a mermaid chick who has just got a bad case of UV sunburn' then, I saw tentacles sprout out from her arse and I'm like 'whoah, hold on a second!' I think she is the love child of an octopus and a seal or something, I'm not sure. Whatever she is, she's big, she's bootilicious and she's purple. What more could you want? She scared the daylights out of me when she stole Ariel's voice and still, at the age of 18, I found myself screaming at the TV saying 'NO ARIEL! DON'T DO IT!!!! YOU CAN"T TRUST THAT ASS!'


5. THE QUEEN

(Snow White and the Seven Dwarves)

I don't remember much of Snow White. All I seem to remember is that 'Hi HOOOOOOO' song and when the witch turns into a hag in order to sell an apple to snow white... You'd think in order to make the apple more appealing, you would turn into someone more attractive. I mean, who wants to try an apple from a warty old lady? Then again, the people I buy my groceries from aren't exactly models in the making... What it comes down to is that this chick is so concerned about her own vanity, that she is willing to kill people off just so that she can be the 'most beautiful of them all'. Perhaps a little extreme, wouldn't you say?

4. MALEFICENT

(Sleeping Beauty)

Like Shan-yu from Mulan, this chick also has the freaky bird thing going on... Which always seems to remind me of the Wizard of Oz when that witch says 'FLY MY PRETTIES!!!!! FLY!!!!!' but whatever... A lot of people may see this chick as the scariest one alive, but honestly, I hated the movie 'Sleeping Beauty' so much, that every time I watch it, I end up going to sleep. True, she does make it interesting though. It's Aurora that pisses me off. She sees this random guy for like 5 minutes and then, when told she can't see him by those three fairies, says "BUT I LOVE HIM!!!!!" *wails as runs into room melodramatically* ohh pah-leez! Maleficent is definitely interesting though - her laugh is chilling to say the least. Plus, she goes on a murderous rampage just because she wasn't invited to a party... I mean, imagine what she'd do if you called her a skank or something??? Oh, HELL NO!! *clicks fingers*

3. SCAR

(The Lion King)

Okay, Scar was the ONE villain from disney I was absolutely terrified by in my youth, and I was going to put him as number 1 but then reconsidered... He's fair evil though. I mean, think about it. He looks into the eyes of his own brother when he kills him and all without a qualm. If that wasn't enough, he deprives a poor lion cub of a father and home. Common, don't tell me that when Mufasa died and Simba came to try and 'wake him up' - that you didn't shed a tear! I mean, my media class at school watched it a couple o' years ago and even THEN you could hear the faint sobs echoing throughout the classroom... What was even more surprising was the startling 'ooh Simba turned hot' when he did a ' backwards benjamin button' as he walked across that log with Timone and Pumba... I tried to remind them all that not only was he a cartoon, but a lion cartoon at that but to no avail... It was the mane that did it for them I think...

2. SHAN-YU

(Mulan)

I do a lot of research when it comes to my blogs. So for this one in particular, I got out my disney dvds and sat on this very chair and did my work as any blogger would do. Very arduous work at that - watching disney movie after disney movie. *que sarcasm here* Mulan was the one that still blew me away. Shan yu is definitely one scary mo fo. I mean, not only has he got the whole uni-brow thing going on, but that hawk he has? Freaky. And in one part of the film when he finds a little doll, it is insinuated that he kills a little girl!!! WHO KILLS LITTLE GIRLS!!!! Not even SCAR reduced himself to that low!
Therefore, i dub thee, Shan-yu, a bastard.

And now, numero uno!

*drumroll*

...

....

1. JUDGE CLAUDE FROLLO

(The Hunchback Of Notre Dame)

I saw this movie again today and even at the mere age of 18, was STILL freaked out by this guy! He has these moments when his eyeballs dilate and all this flame and redness just appears in the background randomly... This man is scary. If you watch the film again, there are all these subtleties too. Like when he captures Esmerelda, he smells her hair and she's all 'what are you doing' and he goes '...I was just thinking of seeing a rope around that beautiful neck' and then he feels her up a bit and Esmarela goes 'I know what you were thinking about!!' He is willing to kill towns of people without any hesitation. He sets a house on fire, more than willing to see the people inside burn... which sends shivers down my spine... And he's just a crap guy, alright!!!

Plus, NO ONE CALLS QUASIMODO A MONSTER WHILE I'M AROUND!!!!

Don't worry Quasi, Esmerelda may have ditched you, but I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! *hugs tv screen*

So tell me if you guys agree with me or not. Who is YOUR worst evil villain to grace the screens of disney? Is it one I've mentioned? Or one I've forgotten about? Please let me know!

If you read all of the above, you are extremely cool and awesome - for if there is a illness for writing too much, I believe I may have it. I'm being diagnosed for it and everything, I swear.

Until we meet again,

The Enigma

To beard, or not to beard? That is the question...

I’ve finally done it.

I’ve finally come up with a theory that HAS no logical answer!
This is it! I don’t know, after this, I might feel somewhat empty inside... I always liked finding out the real answer to my theories and have people wonder about them... But this time, it cannot be done!!! This time, I will put the standards higher than ever before, and write an actual LOGICAL theory! Remember this day, as the day where I, Victoria, actually had some sense in her head!! Despite the irrelevance of it all and the fact that it is not important, it HAS no answer!
Okay. I was thinking about Disney movies recently and, upon recalling one of my favourites, I realized something...
Tarzan.
Has.

No.
Beard.
That's right ladies and gents, Tarzan, the triceps, steroids-driven, cave-like man has no beard. Not even a little bit of stubble.
Don’t believe me? HAVE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF!!!!!

Clean shaven and everything. Behold the hairless Tarzan with all his glory!!! Wave to the Tarzan!! BOW TO HIM!!
Blow him kisses!!!!
(Sorry, Simpsons flashback to that really tall guys who says ‘do you find something funny about my automobile?' Alyssia will understand...)
So why on earth am I so concerned about a cartoon character’s facial hair?
Because if he were in a jungle ever since his birth, how on earth would he shave? Or even know how to shave? Or even WANT to shave! I mean, who is he trying to impress? The freaking gorillas?!?!?! His parents couldn’t have taught him – they died when he was 1. And he isn’t a race who has no facial hair. In the novel written by Edgar Rice Burroughs, it says he was British. Enough said.
And so I think to myself – okay it’s Disney. They must be undergoing a serious anti-beard policy or something because I don’t think they’ve ever had a protagonist who had facial hair... Despite the fact that I believe that jasmine had a little ‘something something’ under her lip...

So I researched.
That's right. Because I am THAT bored, I was like bloody Poirot from an Agatha Christie novel!
I looked up Tarzan movies from back in the day. Because I knew that Disney wasn’t the first to rip off the novel.
And I found something, not only startling, but shocking at the same time!
*le gasp*

Brace yourselves kids – for a number of weird looking men:

WHAT

IS

GOING

ON!!!!!

None. That’s right. NONE of the movies I looked up had a Tarzan worthy to grace the screen with beard and all...
I kept researching. Adamant that I would find at least one bearded Tarzan. But they just kept on getting crazier and crazier...
One interpretation (shown below) even had the audacity to have GELLED HAIR like that guy from Grease!

NOT EVEN THE COPYCATS GOT IT RIGHT!! And George of the Jungle was a bloody good movie too!!!

Watch out for that tree George? Or watch out for that stunted growth which seems to be affecting your facial hair?

What was even more hilarious was that some representations, whilst they didn’t have any beards, had some pretty well-grown underarm hair. The kind you could braid dreadlocks in...
Now I know that there will be some reason that I cannot see at the moment – some explanation to how I am wrong. But for now, I’m going to savour the moment of knowing that I may be right about something...
Even if it IS about bearded fictional characters...