Shockfusion over 19th century zombies

I'm... I'm looking for the right word to describe what I'm feeling at the moment...

Shock? Well, a little bit, but not so much... Maybe confusion? Shockfusion? I'm not quite sure.

This shockfusion resides over the image of Elizabeth Bennet roundhouse kicking a zombie in the head.

Okay, okay, maybe it's best to start from the beginning:

The other week or so I was with a friend of mine at Doncaster, going through Borders. Now I have a love-hate relationship with Borders. I love it for its wide range of literature... I hate it for the many store staff politely telling me off for reading books I have not yet bought. The love outweighs the hate however and soon, I was dragging my friend to the fantasy section and shoving books for him to read into his (perhaps frightened) hands.

So we're in the fantasy section, laughing at the fact that Edward Cullen now comes in doll form with sunglasses (I earned a few hard glares from the many girls who were swooning over his autobiography) when all of a sudden, something catches my eye...

What pray tell, captures my gaze?

This.

Yep. You read right.

If the struggle between social expectations wasn't enough, Elizabeth Bennet must now struggle against a horde of zombies raiding Hertfordshire. She's not alone though. She has her zombie fighting musket-armed sisters (who, apparently, are trained in martial arts) and a cadre of ninjas to join the onslaught.

I was befuddled, nay - dumbfounded even. I turned to my friend Francis, holding up the novel and reading over the blog.

Me: ...What!

Francis: What?

Me: What would Jane Austen think of this?

Francis: ...?

Me: Seriously. If Jane Austen just came back to life and thought to herself 'I want to read some modern literature just to see how literature has evolved through my passing' and walks into a bookstore and sees this - what would she think?

Francis: Well I s'pose that would make her a zombie then, wouldn't it?

I just... I don't know what to think! What would Jane think? What would YOU feel if you were an author and your novel was parodied in such a way? Isn't this copyright? When I opened the novel, it literally has huge chunks of writing from Austin, with a few intercepting zombie paragraphs here and there.

Perhaps its my zombie-related prejudice that has unsettled me (I have always thought that zombie-related killing would [in a hypothetical world] be impossible. I mean, they are dead already - how do you kill something that can't die?). Perhaps I just can't handle the image of Darcy holding a katana sword against a zombies head whilst trying to win over Elizabeth. Perhaps I should just accept parodies for what they are. Because if this bestseller says something, it is that classic literature might change in the future...

Who knows what the next installment will be. The Bronte sisters might have their novels turned into 'Wuthering Heights and Withering Bodies' or 'Jane Eyre and the Vampire Lair'. 'Great Expectations' might be remade into 'Great Exterminations' - the possibilities are endless. I just hope that people don't begin to forget about the classics from where these parodies derived from.

I love you LOTR, but where is the middle-earth love?

MEN OF GONDOR, CHILDREN AND WOMEN OF ROHAN, EVEN YOU ORKS IN MORDOR - SHAME ON YOU ALL!!

For you have all stood quiet for far too long!

For those who have read the first line of this blog and have expressed raised eyebrows of confusion, fret not. Remove your quizzical and puzzled expressions! This blog post is, like my last, in regards to a film. But lets put down our disney videos for a moment and turn away from our dusty VHS. Lets instead focus our attention on another fantastic movie:

Lord of the Rings.

For a total of nine hours and 30 minutes, I have sat at this chair and I have brought out all three dvds to watch Peter Jackson's marvel play out before my eyes. Yes, for a total of 558 minutes, I have watch Frodo and Sam undertake their rather 'intimate' journey to Mordor. For a whopping 33480 seconds, I have admired Orlando Blooms long feminine hair from afar and for a total of 33480000 milliseconds, I thought to myself of how I would one day like to learn a really crude phrase in Elvish and never tell anyone what it meant when I said it.

I love this movie dearly, it remains to this day as one of my favourites. But there is one thing, just one little thing that unsettles me when I turn to "Return of the King" - the last of the trilogy.

Over and over again, I keep hearing how much

everyone is worried about Frodo. Okay, fair enough. After all, he IS undertaking a selfless journey in order to rid the world of an evil tyranny and he IS placing his life at risk by being around Orks and miraculously escapes the man-pig-bear race at their every turn. I

understand that and I give you kudos Frodo.

But, all this concern for Frodo - it's not right!!

Why is this my fellow blogspotarians?

BECAUSE THIS CONCERN IS NEVER (And I really do mean 'never') DIRECTED TOWARDS THE HOBBIT WHO IS ARGUABLY, DOING MORE THAN FRODO!

SAMWISE GAMGEE!!!

The Black-Eyed Peas stated it well: "Where is the love?"

I mean, okay. It's totally fine to worry about Frodo. But have you ever raised that quizzical eyebrow of yours when they never really mention anything in regards to Sam? It's always 'Frodo Frodo Frodo'!!

But don't just trust my word for it. ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE EVIDENCE!! FEAST YOUR EYES ON THESE QUOTES!

As you can see, I took the liberty of highlighting and enlarging the name 'Frodo'.

Aragorn: We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.
Gandalf: Do we know that?
Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?

Gandalf: That Frodo is alive. Yes. Yes, he's alive.

Gandalf: Because 10,000 Orcs now stand between Frodo and Mount Doom. I've sent him to his death.
Aragorn: No. There is still hope for Frodo. He needs time... and safe passage across the plains of Gorgoroth. We can give him that.
Gimli: How?
Aragorn: Draw out Sauron's armies. Empty his lands. Then we gather our full strength and march on the Black Gate.
Eomer: We cannot achieve victory through strength of arms.
Aragorn: Not for ourselves. But we can give Frodo his chance if we keep Sauron's Eye fixed upon us. Keep him blind to all else that moves

Merry: [triumphantly, as Barad-Dur crumbles] Frodo! Frodo!

Aragorn: For Frodo

Gandalf: Frodo has passed beyond my sight. The darkness is deepening.

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO SAM!!!

Its not like they are unaware that Sam is with him:

Gandalf: Faramir? This is not the first halfing to have crossed your path.
Faramir: No.
Pippin: You've seen Frodo and Sam?
Gandalf: Where? When?

I mean, I feel sorry for the bloody hobbit! Think about it, Sam has to put up with a dark, angst-ridden companion who has, on at least one occasion, attempted to kill him (at the end of movie 2 when Frodo holds a sword to his throat) Plus I mean, Frodo's hardly easy to put up with. He keeps bloody falling into lakes or, in battle, is too afraid to even draw his sword. Sam does all the fighting for him! Even when it comes down to that bloody spider!

Sam protects him from physical, mental and emotional harm (Gollum being a part of this) only to be snubbed and told to go home. And before the hardcore LOTR fans scream to me "YOU SHALL NOT PASS MY BERATING AND INSULTING OF YOU!!!" let me reiterate that I am only referring to the film and not the novels. I know for a fact that Frodo is much more couragious in the novels as opposed to the films. But I suppose I go off in a tangent. It's not about whether which hobbit does more. Its the fact that NO ONE WORRIES ABOUT SAM!!

I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT FACE!! HOW COULD YOU NOT??

And (to venture on a completely different note) another thing that gets my blood boiling - at the conclusion of the last film, why does Aragorn say "My friends... you bow to no one" to Pippin? I can understand why he'd bow to Sam, Frodo and Merry (for helping stab the witch king) but... Why Pippin? I mean, honestly, what did he do? Sure he saved Faramir's life... but I'm pretty sure a lot of warriors saved lives! Like Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli... Even Eowyn for instance! She killed the bloody witch king! She's probably wondering, "well... where's MY bloody bow?"

It was like earlier this week. My sister and I were (unwillingly) watching this ABC television show. We all know the ones - the ones with two over-enthusiastic helium-induced television hosts. The kind who say "whoopsidoops" when they fall over (and yes, that was a direct quote). The two television hosts were giving a trophy to a little girl who 'went to the toilet ALL BY HERSELF!!' *le gasp*

My sister and I stared at each other for a moment.

"Well, wheres my bloody trophy?" was my immediate response.

Now don't get me wrong- I'm sure Samwize the Brave can go to the bathroom all by himself too, but doesn't he deserve... well, not a trophy per say, but AT LEAST people worrying about him?

Tell me what you think about this. I haven't seen the extended edition of the films so perhaps there is something I've missed... Is their any sense to my argument or should it all be flushed down the toilet?

On that same note, I think i'll write to the good people of ABC and demand them for my toilet trophy...

x

Disney promoting illiteracy?

Ladies and gentleman, I have come to a shocking discovery. A discovery so disturbing, so startling, so downright rude, that it will make the most avid Disney fans shake their heads in disapproval!

DISNEY MAY BE PROMOTING ILLITERACY!

Yes you heard right. 

I know, I can't believe it either.

Let me explain:

Beauty and the Beast is a film that I hold close to my heart - it is a film that says 'it doesn't matter what you look like as long as the person you like has a mansion and a huge library.' Seriously - Belle is the only one of the disney princesses that doesn't fondle over the first guy she sees - instead, having a little 'something something' for bestiality... Hey, to each to their own, right? I mean, if Daniel Radcliffe can do Equus, why can't Belle be with the Beast?

Anyway, I love this movie - so imagine my surprise when I discover that Disney mocks the protagonist for reading?

Let me explain:

At the start of the movie, you'll remember a song called 'Belle's song'.

Basically, its all about Belle complaining about living in a provincial town... So to escape from it all, she reads books. The first one we notice her reading is 'Jack and the Beanstalk' (to which i expressed a slight twitch in my left eye, but nonetheless). 

So basically, Belle likes to read. 

And in this song: EVERYONE bags her for it!

I know what your thinking: you're all thinking to yourselves "I want proof dammit!"

FINE! I'LL GIVE YOU PROOF!

Ladies and gentleman, exhibit A!

THE LYRICS TO THE SONG SHE SINGS!

Townspeople: "Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar, I wonder if she's feeling well."

So you think to yourself - why? Why is Belle so peculiar?

Oh, don't worry, they explain all that within the next lyrics:

"With a dreamy far-off look, and her nose stuck in a book - What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle"

...You mean, she's weird because she reads?

Oh, and don't forget, she has a 'dreamy far-off' look too!

*le gasp*

HOW DARE SHE!

What is this saying to little kids who have hopes in becoming an author? Or merely, children who just like to read?

OR JUST LIKE TO DAYDREAM!

THAT WE WILL BE WEIRD?

I'm sure Shakespeare, Dickens and Dahl have something to say about this!

...Or well, before they all died anyway... 

Exhibit B 

If lyrics weren't enough, lets see the faces of these criminals! These accusers of the written word!

Picture one: okay, so the two elderly woman in the background may be making fun of Belle's ape impression... OR THE BOOK IN HER BASKET! :O

Picture two: Woman with fonzi-like hairdo in 16th century paris - SHAME ON YOU!

Picture three: The most compelling and shocking evidence of them all: EVEN when Belle tutors little baby sheep in how to read, she attracts the 'evil eye' from a disheveled woman in the back! Let me remind you, this is all because she is READING! Or because she likes to daydream! 


Picture four: THEY AREN'T EVEN SUBTLE WHEN TEASING HER! I mean, the LEAST they could do was give her silent, disproving faces or quiet grunts of disapproval here and there... but no! Belle has to be followed like Angelina Jolie taking the rubbish out!

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

This is NOT right!

I've got this theory that this is all part of Disney's dream to turn children off books and onto TV instead - as a result, transforming them into a horde of mindless zombies to which the company will use to take over the world. 

Not a likely thought, but a 'chin-stroker' theory at that...

My final thought (yes, Jerry Springer isn't the only one who has these):

As a student partaking in a professional and creative writing course, I say 'FOR SHAME DISNEY!'

'FOR SHAME!'

So it begins... ( a personal blog)

Rivals have been in the history pages from the very beginnings of time:  

Romulus had Remus

Da Vinci had Michaelangelo,

Tom had Jerry,

Freddy had Jason

Batman had the Joker

Even Peter Griffin has Homer Simpson

And the Enigma has the Enema 

http://www.the--enema.blogspot.com/

Yes, that's right. These masked crusaders do not only sit idle in our history books or in the media - truth be told, they create their own blogspots now and then.

Just like the Joker, this fellow blogspot-arian too has a veiled identity, a pseudonym - a, how-do-you-say, 'nom de plume' if you will. He follows an inspiration for people such as Ronald Dahl (forever in the shadows of his more famous older brother, Roald Dahl) and Ronald McDonald... perhaps even Ronald Reagan, who knows...

Just like the Joker , this literary fiend too has many a skill against his opponent. A power. A 'force' if you will. While the Joker had a peculiar knack for bombs, the Enema's uncanny ability involves the power of photoshop - as expressed in the 'delightful' picture below, to which, interestingly enough, my once-innocent-now-violated cartoon character looks like she is receiving an enema herself.   

 He perhaps, has the advantage in a quarrel - being as it may that he has known me ever since I was dubbed 'Jack' (a nickname of mine to which I had since birth. The meaning of the name I prefer not to elaborate on).  Yet the underdog - through comic strip or through the TV screen, is always said to prevail! After all, I too have an advantage: this man works a full-time 'arduous' (the word arduous being emphasized)  job whereas I get by on easy street being as it may that my delightful uni course allows me to read only a few books a week. Therefore, when attacking with my enigmatic forces of literary steel, his counterattack may take a while to arrive... Also, they say that 'strength lies in numbers' - judging by the enema's 39 facebook friends (refusing to make it 40 in order to be non-conformist) I think I have the upper hand... 

Who knows where this sudden passion for revenge has come from. Perhaps it may be because of my school hours, perhaps it may be because he is jealous of my wit and good looks. Whatever it may be; know this Enema: YOU SHALL FEEL MY WRATH!!!!

Perhaps Lily Allen was right...

"Happy? Smile! Sad? Frown! USE THE CORRESPONDING FACE FOR THE CORRESPONDING EMOTION!!" - Meg Ryan 

Meg Ryan's incredibly poignant words from "French Kiss" inspire me to sit at my little desk, drum my fingers on my little keyboard and type in capital letters. 

This is all in regards to band photos by the way. How is it, that in most (not all, but most) bands have the tendency to not smile in band photos? What is with the incredibly ambiguous, yet somewhat arrogant tendency to not smile?

I mean, even the Mona Lisa smiles a bit - and thats the most famous painting on the face of the earth!!  Imagine if she wasn't smiling? There would be no fantastic secret to her smile! The term 'Mona Lisa smile' would be questioned and life as we know it would be topsy turvy!!!!

The cat in the photo above says it all. Smiling draws our attention to people (or animals). It makes them look inviting. So WHY! Why on earth don't a lot of bands do it in promo's? I mean, seriously, EVERY band does the 'solemn, 'meaningful' expression.' It really isn't unique anymore. It's exactly like the 'myspace photo' - it's lost its appeal!!  

 There must be an explanation - some foreseeable reason to why people continue to do the 'stares off into distance' look... Are the band members forced to hide their emotions so they reserve the rest of it in their songs? Or is it some secret government conspiracy trying to protect band members from developing wrinkles? Someone help me out here!!!

You know what? If I were flipping through a magazine, and I saw a picture of 3 guys smiling in quirky poses versus a group shot of three men walking along a beach with the sun setting in the background with the whole 'bold-and-the-beautiful-stare-off-into-the-distance' look, I'd totally pay more attention to the smiling photo... Because it almost never gets done anymore!

It's like that South Park episode where Cartman orders Token and Butters to pose on the beach side for their new band. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about!! Have a look!!! Why is it always on some unnamable beach, melancholic expressions, and look at the picture!! A SUNSET IN THE BACKGROUND! 

Perhaps Lily Allen was right. Perhaps we should all just "go ahead and smi-i-ile."

Perhaps we should protest on the streets near record companies, holding up signs that say: ':-)'

So spread the word. Spread the word from band to band, from ocean to ocean - NAY!  From continent to continent!! Spread the notion of the 'smiling band' photo!!!!

TUT ON SON!! TUT ON!!!!!

Marvel Mishaps

This blog is going against every admiration that I feel to comic books.
(Yes, I'm a super hero geek and proud to proclaim such a fact... just don't get me started on Batman...)
Spiderman, Superman, Batman, X men, (Wolverine is my favourite), the list is endless. We all know them to be the superheroes of our childhood. They are the second inspiration for making children believe that they too can fly (Peter Pan and Tinkerbell being the first inspiration - making it seem way too realistic for a four year olds liking... and yes I speak from experience...).

But while we can appreciate these superheroes from afar, up close, they seem to have a lot of things that just don't sit right...
For instance, my first point - Superman. As his name mentions, he is quite a man. A man with 'super' qualities I guess...For those of you who don't know, one of Superman's many 'super' traits is that nothing can penetrate through his skin.... including bullets.

So, okay, I've been able to accept this and nod my head in approval. Seems pretty cool. Every superhero has to have his own ability and this is one of many of Supermans.
But no my friends, it is not Superman's super qualities that inspire such blogs...

It's Superman's costume.

Not only does it give children the false impression that if they wear a red cape, they can instantly fly, but the comics have a major flaw.
True to the fact that bullets cannot hurt this 'Superman', but how come they don't go through his costume at least? Since when was spandex considered indestructible!

Also, I really cannot comprehend the fact that no one realizes that Superman is Clark Kent - being as it may that the only difference between the two seems to be a pair of thick rimmed glasses and gelled hair...

E GAD! THEY LOOK LIKE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!!

It's the incredible power of the rimmed glasses that does it... *nods* oh, and don't deny that parting ones hair a certain way can make you look like a completely new person...

And such questions not only arise when I think about Superman - lets flick our marvel comics to our neighbourhood friend, Spiderman

I'm a big big fan of the spidery super hero. He made blue and red look good together, what can I say... He is probably my favourite super hero despite his constant stream of angst in the movies...

Yet there are a few things that got me thinking about him...

Okay, this is going to sound weird but i don't, and have never understood why on earth those webs are coming out of his fingers

Sure, i understand that if the average joe is to be bitten by a radioactive spider in his life, there is bound to be repercussions and pretty nasty spidery side effects. But technically, if he is a 'spider man' those webs should be coming out of a different part of his body... if you catch my drift...

And the whole radiation thing gets to me too. Why is it, that in real life, when a person is exposed to radiation, horrible, deadly diseases may occur as a result, but in comic books, if we are bitten by radioactive spiders or fall into radioactive vats of oil or something, they are instantly indestructible?

Anyway, I have to go now - the metropolis needs me. 
xx

Rock, Scissors, Earwig

Scissors, Paper, Rock.
It was the entertaining game in our youth that is still used to this day to settle who will eat the final slice of pizza or who will be the first to kick off a soccer game. 

'Rock off' they call it.

Throughout many games, I have held my tongue and have kept to myself, why I hate this seemingly innocent game...
...Until now. 

Scissors beats paper, yes. Thats an obvious one. Scissors can destroy paper – literally cut it in half so to speak. Yes, very good. I’m with you so far.

Rock beats scissors, again, i don't have any problem with that. Like Bart Simpson once stated 'good ol' rock, nothin' beats that...’

My query is this my dear friends:
Why. Why on EARTH does paper - flimsy, fragile, delicate, dainty, weak paper - beat hard, strong, sturdy, unyieldingly solid rock???
WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THIS!?!?!

So like all of my blogs, I did my research. I didn't want to totally bag paper without the proper information first. That wouldn't be fair right? Especially to all those trees...
So the first place I look, is none other than Wikipedia...

A lot of people bag wikipedia and rightfully so - about anyone can update information on there and whatnot and blah blah blah. But despite its flaws, Wikipedia will always hold a special place in my heart. And hey, no ones perfect, right? And yes, internet sites are categorized in the 'imperfect spectrum'... Common, you guys have all gone on Wikipedia when wanting major help for an assignment! Don't deny it!!!!
Anyway, I look it up... not only did I find out that they have official scissors paper rock games overseas, but I have also found out why! Why on earth paper has the power to beat rock!
That's right, I have searched the darkest realms of wikipedia and the general google sphere to discover the source of power that paper has over rock! I have located the mystery, nay, the awe inspiring power that is consisted within this element! A power so great, that the ring from Lord of the Rings would be shivering in fear!!! I, Victoria, have unearthed the secret, awesome power of paper! The mystery behind its victory!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen!!!!
BEHOLD THE FOLLOWING QUOTE FROM WIKIPEDIA IN ALL ITS GLORY!!!!!!

"Paper covers or captures rock, making paper win"
... O.o
Are you serious?
...*looks sideways*
...T-thats it?
So ... So hold on a moment... You’re saying, if you cover a rock with a piece of paper, it will automatically defeat rock??
...No

...NO, I’m sorry, I WILL NOT HAVE IT!

Scissors paper rock is a game where one thing must defeat and utterly annihilate and pwn the other. Clearly if you cover a rock with paper, the rock can penetrate through it!!! I agree with Bart Simpson on this one - nothing can beat rock!
Unless one decides to rename it to 'Scissors, chainsaw, rock' or something...
...But I think that would just be too messy...
We had a variation to the game in primary school to when, if someone would be destroyed by paper when putting down rock, we'd quickly turn the rock into a bomb and say 'EXPLOSION!' to which defeats all... I propose we bring back this format of the game and put so called 'paper' in the time-out corner until it has learnt its lesson...

Actually while I was doing my research, I found out some pretty cool variations to the game which frankly, in my opinion, make ‘scissors paper rock’ seem like childs play! PURE CHILDS PLAY I SAY!!!!

For instance, in Indonesia, we come across a variation consisting of ‘earwig, human, elephant’ in which the earwig climbs into the elephants ear and makes it go crazy, the human crushes the earwig and the elephant crushes the human... Hmmm... Fair cool, fair cool...
‘That 70s Show’ also had a good take on the game - ‘cockroach, nuclear bomb, foot’ - the cockroach survives the nuclear bomb, the nuclear bomb destroys the foot and the foot destroys the cockroach...(Random note: twas an idle day a few days ago, I was lounging around and watching ‘Whose Line is it Anyway’ I believe... And I noticed quite a large black thing at the corner of my eye... T’was a cockroach... Now for some reason, I just don’t like cockroaches... They don't sit with me right. Now I have a cat who loves to eat these little guys and he was staring and repetitively meowing at this bug for fairly long and I was going to do us both a favour and lift him to the cockroach for desert, but I went closer to Mr Roach only to realize that it had only one antenna... The other had been cut off... I thought of how all the other roaches must have mocked him from afar, told him snide jokes about his one-tenna and he simply MUST have sought to my house as a last means of sanctuary... Well, the one-tenna cockroach, I began to feel sorry for the little guy and left him walking happily on my roof... I named him Barry...
...I haven’t seen Barry since then... And my cat hasn’t really been touching his food lately so I’m wondering....
BUT ANYWAY!!)


So, I ask you gents and gentle ladies out there in cyberspace, am I going crazy? Or is this game COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY flawed???
I know there is probably something I’ve overlooked, some foreseeable reason to how i am wrong, but for now, I stand by my theory - The only thing that paper can be victorious in is causing some pretty serious paper cuts...

I will leave you all with this little joke I found surfing the epic waves of google. I thought it suited this blog quite nicely:
"When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, 'Oh shit! I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.'"

And thats the way the cookie crumbles,
Until we meet again,
Vic