InconcIEvable!

My friends! Lend my your ears!!!

*Blogspot audience throws numerous prosthetic ears at computer screen*

A terrible, terrible tragedy has come to my attention in the past 10 minutes. This tragedy is so inconceivable, NAY! So incredulous! That it will send all you money hungry Macquarie dictionary lovers running in the opposite direction! Believe me, after you read of this, you will send glares of annoyance at your Microsoft Word pages when that ever-irksome red spelling-mistake line appears on your screen!

This is 'not' one of my silly little theories, but an actual fact! A fact PROVED by the good people of wikipedia (and that means its GOT to be true, right?)!

For you see, this theory stems behind the notion of grammar songs.

Ever heard of ye ol' tune - 'i before e except after c'?

It is a song that has been hummed throughout many a primary school and has been passed on by teachers around the world who remained ignorant to its flaw. Yes, we were told by many an idle teachers to use it as a rule to life.

Well the song SPEAKS LIES my friends! In our childishness and youth, we were reckless enough to believe it!

Think about it.

*waits*

....Can't be bothered thinking?

WELL FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS MY FRIENDS!!!

(warning the following may cause shock and perhaps horror in the hearts of those younger than the age of 13. Parental guidance is recommended.)

BEHOLD! THE DREADED WORDS THAT DISPROVE THE SONG OF OUR GRADE ONE HEARTS!!!

beige, conscience, deity, dreidel, eight, either, feign, feisty, foreign, forfeit, height, heinous (tee hee!), heir, heist, neigh, neighbour, neither, prescient, science, seize, society, sovereign, veil, vein, weight, weir, weird

And there are PLENTY more my fellow blogspotarians, I assure you. I just didn't want to overload your computer screens with too much terror...

I don't know what else to say... Except that Noah Webster is probably rolling in his grave right about now *shakes head solemly*

So spread the word!

'i' before 'e' DOES NOT ALWAYS come after c!!!

C SHALL BE LEFT ALONE WITH THE OTHER REJECTED LETTERS!!!!

Signed,

Th_ _n_gma

Because no blog is complete without at least ONE post on time travel

After about 4 months of invisible posts from me, I bet your wondering “she must have some sort of excuse - some sort of anecdote to explain her nonexistence.” Perhaps you were wondering “maybe she had some rare and unique life-threatening disease that prohibits her to post?” or “perhaps her fingers have fallen off due to a freak-gasoline fight accident, making typing an arduous chore?”

After a bout 15 minutes of dubious chin scratching and hard-hitting pondering, I have come up with an exceedingly plausible excuse. Something so brilliant, so awe inspiring that it is sure to invoke pity in the pityless:

Writing block coma.

Yep. Writing block coma. The one disease that keeps JK Rowling herself up late at night. The one and only illness that scares the wits out of Stephen King (which has got to mean something).

But fret not! I have recovered! And to further emphasize my sorryness, I’m releasing what I believe to be my most powerful theory yet. A theory I have concocted for over a year and a half now. A theory so powerful, yet so confusing that I have discussed it with people who do Science degrees at Melbourne University and not even THEY have answers for it!

Now if I start talking about incredibly confusing science mumbo jumbo, bare with me.

Hold onto your braincells blogspotarians, for this one is a doosey!

Okay. Suppose you travel back in time, right? I don’t know how you would come across such a scientific phenomenon. Perhaps you accidentally walked into a wormhole that has surreptitiously appeared in your bedroom. Perhaps you woke up one day and found a big metal machine in your room and you decided to do a ‘Donnie Darko’ and jump right in. Take your pick.

Irregardless, you end up walking out of your time machine or wormhole into the year 1860. You know it is 1860 because before opening your eyes to such an ancient world, some misguided, young scalliwag who's doing a papermill ends up hitting your face with todays newspaper (dated 4th of December, 1860). Annoyed and frustrated, you end up chasing the paper boy. But although this paper boy SEEMS misguided and innocent, he really isn’t. In fact, he turns his bike around and starts throwing knives and sharp newspapers into your general direction. Now in fear and self defense, you end up killing this paper boy. Either his sharp newspapers were pissing you off THAT much, it was pure accident or you’re just born a cold-blooded murderer. Take your pick.

ANYWAY! Later, you end up discovering that the boy you have just killed was your great great great great (not sure how many ‘greats’ to insert here but you get my drift) grandfather. The question is this my fellow blogspotarians: would this be possible?

Considering that you have just killed a descendent of yours who (considering his youth) had not met your great great great great grandmother yet and considering they had not... urmm... How do I say this in a pg rated blog... ‘Windex the windows’ if you will, your family would not have been existing and henceforth, YOU shouldn’t be existing.

So what happens: as soon as you kill the paperboy, do you just vanish into thin air because you’re not meant to exist? Or not? Because how did your great great great great grandfather die then? Your future form killed her.

And how did you travel back in time in the first place if this actually happened?

If your brains have now turned into a big thick sludge of confusion, then the aim of this blog is complete. May you live peacefully and prosper.

The Enigma.

I have failed

My friends.

My fellow blogspotarians.

I have failed you.

My bid- nay, my conquest to eradicate the world from parodying the classic literary novels of our time has been thwarted. All my efforts have thus been futile. My hopes and dreams of demoting 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies' have been all for nothing.

...

Okay, fine, I admit, I didn't do much to eradicate the world of satire and parody. I admit to my laziness and my lack of motivation in the matter. But hey! Where else is a Melbournian teen meant to start from if it isn't in the confines of blogspot?

Regardless of my blog however, the parodies march onward. THE SATIRE PREVAILS AND MOCKS US! Literary spinoffs are at an all time high and are advancing at a gargantuan rate. MORE of these parodies are hitting the shelves and, worse than that, are being made into films. If seeing it on paper isn't enough, they're hitting the big screen for all the world to see!

Yes, that's right folks - If zombies weren't enough, let me introduce you all into the world of sea monsters.

I give to you, the latest trailer of the one, the only:

Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jZVE5uF24Q

Shockfusion over 19th century zombies

I'm... I'm looking for the right word to describe what I'm feeling at the moment...

Shock? Well, a little bit, but not so much... Maybe confusion? Shockfusion? I'm not quite sure.

This shockfusion resides over the image of Elizabeth Bennet roundhouse kicking a zombie in the head.

Okay, okay, maybe it's best to start from the beginning:

The other week or so I was with a friend of mine at Doncaster, going through Borders. Now I have a love-hate relationship with Borders. I love it for its wide range of literature... I hate it for the many store staff politely telling me off for reading books I have not yet bought. The love outweighs the hate however and soon, I was dragging my friend to the fantasy section and shoving books for him to read into his (perhaps frightened) hands.

So we're in the fantasy section, laughing at the fact that Edward Cullen now comes in doll form with sunglasses (I earned a few hard glares from the many girls who were swooning over his autobiography) when all of a sudden, something catches my eye...

What pray tell, captures my gaze?

This.

Yep. You read right.

If the struggle between social expectations wasn't enough, Elizabeth Bennet must now struggle against a horde of zombies raiding Hertfordshire. She's not alone though. She has her zombie fighting musket-armed sisters (who, apparently, are trained in martial arts) and a cadre of ninjas to join the onslaught.

I was befuddled, nay - dumbfounded even. I turned to my friend Francis, holding up the novel and reading over the blog.

Me: ...What!

Francis: What?

Me: What would Jane Austen think of this?

Francis: ...?

Me: Seriously. If Jane Austen just came back to life and thought to herself 'I want to read some modern literature just to see how literature has evolved through my passing' and walks into a bookstore and sees this - what would she think?

Francis: Well I s'pose that would make her a zombie then, wouldn't it?

I just... I don't know what to think! What would Jane think? What would YOU feel if you were an author and your novel was parodied in such a way? Isn't this copyright? When I opened the novel, it literally has huge chunks of writing from Austin, with a few intercepting zombie paragraphs here and there.

Perhaps its my zombie-related prejudice that has unsettled me (I have always thought that zombie-related killing would [in a hypothetical world] be impossible. I mean, they are dead already - how do you kill something that can't die?). Perhaps I just can't handle the image of Darcy holding a katana sword against a zombies head whilst trying to win over Elizabeth. Perhaps I should just accept parodies for what they are. Because if this bestseller says something, it is that classic literature might change in the future...

Who knows what the next installment will be. The Bronte sisters might have their novels turned into 'Wuthering Heights and Withering Bodies' or 'Jane Eyre and the Vampire Lair'. 'Great Expectations' might be remade into 'Great Exterminations' - the possibilities are endless. I just hope that people don't begin to forget about the classics from where these parodies derived from.

I love you LOTR, but where is the middle-earth love?

MEN OF GONDOR, CHILDREN AND WOMEN OF ROHAN, EVEN YOU ORKS IN MORDOR - SHAME ON YOU ALL!!

For you have all stood quiet for far too long!

For those who have read the first line of this blog and have expressed raised eyebrows of confusion, fret not. Remove your quizzical and puzzled expressions! This blog post is, like my last, in regards to a film. But lets put down our disney videos for a moment and turn away from our dusty VHS. Lets instead focus our attention on another fantastic movie:

Lord of the Rings.

For a total of nine hours and 30 minutes, I have sat at this chair and I have brought out all three dvds to watch Peter Jackson's marvel play out before my eyes. Yes, for a total of 558 minutes, I have watch Frodo and Sam undertake their rather 'intimate' journey to Mordor. For a whopping 33480 seconds, I have admired Orlando Blooms long feminine hair from afar and for a total of 33480000 milliseconds, I thought to myself of how I would one day like to learn a really crude phrase in Elvish and never tell anyone what it meant when I said it.

I love this movie dearly, it remains to this day as one of my favourites. But there is one thing, just one little thing that unsettles me when I turn to "Return of the King" - the last of the trilogy.

Over and over again, I keep hearing how much

everyone is worried about Frodo. Okay, fair enough. After all, he IS undertaking a selfless journey in order to rid the world of an evil tyranny and he IS placing his life at risk by being around Orks and miraculously escapes the man-pig-bear race at their every turn. I

understand that and I give you kudos Frodo.

But, all this concern for Frodo - it's not right!!

Why is this my fellow blogspotarians?

BECAUSE THIS CONCERN IS NEVER (And I really do mean 'never') DIRECTED TOWARDS THE HOBBIT WHO IS ARGUABLY, DOING MORE THAN FRODO!

SAMWISE GAMGEE!!!

The Black-Eyed Peas stated it well: "Where is the love?"

I mean, okay. It's totally fine to worry about Frodo. But have you ever raised that quizzical eyebrow of yours when they never really mention anything in regards to Sam? It's always 'Frodo Frodo Frodo'!!

But don't just trust my word for it. ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE EVIDENCE!! FEAST YOUR EYES ON THESE QUOTES!

As you can see, I took the liberty of highlighting and enlarging the name 'Frodo'.

Aragorn: We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.
Gandalf: Do we know that?
Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?

Gandalf: That Frodo is alive. Yes. Yes, he's alive.

Gandalf: Because 10,000 Orcs now stand between Frodo and Mount Doom. I've sent him to his death.
Aragorn: No. There is still hope for Frodo. He needs time... and safe passage across the plains of Gorgoroth. We can give him that.
Gimli: How?
Aragorn: Draw out Sauron's armies. Empty his lands. Then we gather our full strength and march on the Black Gate.
Eomer: We cannot achieve victory through strength of arms.
Aragorn: Not for ourselves. But we can give Frodo his chance if we keep Sauron's Eye fixed upon us. Keep him blind to all else that moves

Merry: [triumphantly, as Barad-Dur crumbles] Frodo! Frodo!

Aragorn: For Frodo

Gandalf: Frodo has passed beyond my sight. The darkness is deepening.

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO SAM!!!

Its not like they are unaware that Sam is with him:

Gandalf: Faramir? This is not the first halfing to have crossed your path.
Faramir: No.
Pippin: You've seen Frodo and Sam?
Gandalf: Where? When?

I mean, I feel sorry for the bloody hobbit! Think about it, Sam has to put up with a dark, angst-ridden companion who has, on at least one occasion, attempted to kill him (at the end of movie 2 when Frodo holds a sword to his throat) Plus I mean, Frodo's hardly easy to put up with. He keeps bloody falling into lakes or, in battle, is too afraid to even draw his sword. Sam does all the fighting for him! Even when it comes down to that bloody spider!

Sam protects him from physical, mental and emotional harm (Gollum being a part of this) only to be snubbed and told to go home. And before the hardcore LOTR fans scream to me "YOU SHALL NOT PASS MY BERATING AND INSULTING OF YOU!!!" let me reiterate that I am only referring to the film and not the novels. I know for a fact that Frodo is much more couragious in the novels as opposed to the films. But I suppose I go off in a tangent. It's not about whether which hobbit does more. Its the fact that NO ONE WORRIES ABOUT SAM!!

I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT FACE!! HOW COULD YOU NOT??

And (to venture on a completely different note) another thing that gets my blood boiling - at the conclusion of the last film, why does Aragorn say "My friends... you bow to no one" to Pippin? I can understand why he'd bow to Sam, Frodo and Merry (for helping stab the witch king) but... Why Pippin? I mean, honestly, what did he do? Sure he saved Faramir's life... but I'm pretty sure a lot of warriors saved lives! Like Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli... Even Eowyn for instance! She killed the bloody witch king! She's probably wondering, "well... where's MY bloody bow?"

It was like earlier this week. My sister and I were (unwillingly) watching this ABC television show. We all know the ones - the ones with two over-enthusiastic helium-induced television hosts. The kind who say "whoopsidoops" when they fall over (and yes, that was a direct quote). The two television hosts were giving a trophy to a little girl who 'went to the toilet ALL BY HERSELF!!' *le gasp*

My sister and I stared at each other for a moment.

"Well, wheres my bloody trophy?" was my immediate response.

Now don't get me wrong- I'm sure Samwize the Brave can go to the bathroom all by himself too, but doesn't he deserve... well, not a trophy per say, but AT LEAST people worrying about him?

Tell me what you think about this. I haven't seen the extended edition of the films so perhaps there is something I've missed... Is their any sense to my argument or should it all be flushed down the toilet?

On that same note, I think i'll write to the good people of ABC and demand them for my toilet trophy...

x

Disney promoting illiteracy?

Ladies and gentleman, I have come to a shocking discovery. A discovery so disturbing, so startling, so downright rude, that it will make the most avid Disney fans shake their heads in disapproval!

DISNEY MAY BE PROMOTING ILLITERACY!

Yes you heard right. 

I know, I can't believe it either.

Let me explain:

Beauty and the Beast is a film that I hold close to my heart - it is a film that says 'it doesn't matter what you look like as long as the person you like has a mansion and a huge library.' Seriously - Belle is the only one of the disney princesses that doesn't fondle over the first guy she sees - instead, having a little 'something something' for bestiality... Hey, to each to their own, right? I mean, if Daniel Radcliffe can do Equus, why can't Belle be with the Beast?

Anyway, I love this movie - so imagine my surprise when I discover that Disney mocks the protagonist for reading?

Let me explain:

At the start of the movie, you'll remember a song called 'Belle's song'.

Basically, its all about Belle complaining about living in a provincial town... So to escape from it all, she reads books. The first one we notice her reading is 'Jack and the Beanstalk' (to which i expressed a slight twitch in my left eye, but nonetheless). 

So basically, Belle likes to read. 

And in this song: EVERYONE bags her for it!

I know what your thinking: you're all thinking to yourselves "I want proof dammit!"

FINE! I'LL GIVE YOU PROOF!

Ladies and gentleman, exhibit A!

THE LYRICS TO THE SONG SHE SINGS!

Townspeople: "Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar, I wonder if she's feeling well."

So you think to yourself - why? Why is Belle so peculiar?

Oh, don't worry, they explain all that within the next lyrics:

"With a dreamy far-off look, and her nose stuck in a book - What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle"

...You mean, she's weird because she reads?

Oh, and don't forget, she has a 'dreamy far-off' look too!

*le gasp*

HOW DARE SHE!

What is this saying to little kids who have hopes in becoming an author? Or merely, children who just like to read?

OR JUST LIKE TO DAYDREAM!

THAT WE WILL BE WEIRD?

I'm sure Shakespeare, Dickens and Dahl have something to say about this!

...Or well, before they all died anyway... 

Exhibit B 

If lyrics weren't enough, lets see the faces of these criminals! These accusers of the written word!

Picture one: okay, so the two elderly woman in the background may be making fun of Belle's ape impression... OR THE BOOK IN HER BASKET! :O

Picture two: Woman with fonzi-like hairdo in 16th century paris - SHAME ON YOU!

Picture three: The most compelling and shocking evidence of them all: EVEN when Belle tutors little baby sheep in how to read, she attracts the 'evil eye' from a disheveled woman in the back! Let me remind you, this is all because she is READING! Or because she likes to daydream! 


Picture four: THEY AREN'T EVEN SUBTLE WHEN TEASING HER! I mean, the LEAST they could do was give her silent, disproving faces or quiet grunts of disapproval here and there... but no! Belle has to be followed like Angelina Jolie taking the rubbish out!

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

This is NOT right!

I've got this theory that this is all part of Disney's dream to turn children off books and onto TV instead - as a result, transforming them into a horde of mindless zombies to which the company will use to take over the world. 

Not a likely thought, but a 'chin-stroker' theory at that...

My final thought (yes, Jerry Springer isn't the only one who has these):

As a student partaking in a professional and creative writing course, I say 'FOR SHAME DISNEY!'

'FOR SHAME!'

So it begins... ( a personal blog)

Rivals have been in the history pages from the very beginnings of time:  

Romulus had Remus

Da Vinci had Michaelangelo,

Tom had Jerry,

Freddy had Jason

Batman had the Joker

Even Peter Griffin has Homer Simpson

And the Enigma has the Enema 

http://www.the--enema.blogspot.com/

Yes, that's right. These masked crusaders do not only sit idle in our history books or in the media - truth be told, they create their own blogspots now and then.

Just like the Joker, this fellow blogspot-arian too has a veiled identity, a pseudonym - a, how-do-you-say, 'nom de plume' if you will. He follows an inspiration for people such as Ronald Dahl (forever in the shadows of his more famous older brother, Roald Dahl) and Ronald McDonald... perhaps even Ronald Reagan, who knows...

Just like the Joker , this literary fiend too has many a skill against his opponent. A power. A 'force' if you will. While the Joker had a peculiar knack for bombs, the Enema's uncanny ability involves the power of photoshop - as expressed in the 'delightful' picture below, to which, interestingly enough, my once-innocent-now-violated cartoon character looks like she is receiving an enema herself.   

 He perhaps, has the advantage in a quarrel - being as it may that he has known me ever since I was dubbed 'Jack' (a nickname of mine to which I had since birth. The meaning of the name I prefer not to elaborate on).  Yet the underdog - through comic strip or through the TV screen, is always said to prevail! After all, I too have an advantage: this man works a full-time 'arduous' (the word arduous being emphasized)  job whereas I get by on easy street being as it may that my delightful uni course allows me to read only a few books a week. Therefore, when attacking with my enigmatic forces of literary steel, his counterattack may take a while to arrive... Also, they say that 'strength lies in numbers' - judging by the enema's 39 facebook friends (refusing to make it 40 in order to be non-conformist) I think I have the upper hand... 

Who knows where this sudden passion for revenge has come from. Perhaps it may be because of my school hours, perhaps it may be because he is jealous of my wit and good looks. Whatever it may be; know this Enema: YOU SHALL FEEL MY WRATH!!!!